Proper Wages
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
Government agent: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”
Rancher: “Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
Government agent: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”
Rancher: “That would be me!
Wisdom of Elders
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”
The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Child’s Delight
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”’
“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
“That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!”
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.”
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.”
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ”How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”
“Because you got an F in sex.”
Why Sharks Circle
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me son,” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better after you scare the shit out of them.”
