The very latest in jokes, whipped up by our Doctors of Jokology. Yes, you can get a degree in that.

The Used Car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a one of the cars. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
“Heavens no, we bought it,” one of the ladies said.
“Then why don’t you drive it away?” asked the patrolman.
“We can’t drive.”
“Then why did you buy it?”
“We were told that if we bought a used car here we’d get screwed… so we’re just waiting.”

Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during a rendezvous, she confided in him she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”

The Blonde Hunters
Two blondes decided to go hunting and got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could only carry four moose. The two blondes objected strongly.
“Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board—he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreckage, blonde one asked blonde two, “Any idea where we are?”
“I’m not sure,” she replied, “but I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

The Priest
An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robe, perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, and asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

The Fastest Thing
Four men applied for the same job and were equally qualified, so the interviewer decided to ask them one more question to show their creativity: “What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?”
The first man answered, “A thought, because it just pops into your head without warning.”
“Good,” replied the interviewer. “And you?”
The second man said, “A blink, because it comes and goes and you don’t know it happened.”
“Good,” said the interviewer. He turned to the third man. “And you?”
“Light, because when you flip a switch, the light comes on instantaneously.”
“Good,” said the interviewer. “Science says nothing is faster than light.”
Then it was Joe’s turn. “The fastest thing is diarrhea,” he said.
“What?” asked the stunned interviewer.
Joe explained. “The other day when I wasn’t feeling so good, I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already pooped my pants!”

Hearing Problem
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Sunday School Lesson
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the Sunday school lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said, “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”