by Aunt Woo

The mysterious lure of The Orient Express… Do you feel a spine-tingling thrill just thinking about it? The fantasy of The Orient Express throws my thoughts into an intriguing time warp, a romantic fantasy that leaves me breathless. My senses are alive! “All Aboard!” The melodious voice of the conductor rings down the line and hangs in a cloud of imaginary steam. Like Ravel’s Bolero, the harmony of the whistle, wheels turning on track, the repetitive, mesmerizing rhythm join the sensual symphony with the urgency of climax.

The powerful lead engine pulls away from the station and, like a timid dancer, the following car tentatively steps on stage. This first movement, a moment of fame, exhilarating and brief. The troupe of clumsy dancers bump into each other in an attempt to take the lead, each railcar steps en point. The cars sway with the rhythm of the symphony, but will not dance gracefully until kissing, like conjoined twins they embrace in the freedom of the ballet.

Relaxing in the sounds and sensation of my thoughts, I entice myself with visual fantasies. The dinner hour is announced by the chime of a glockenspiel in the hands of a white-gloved attendant passing through each car. Formally attired, the gentlemen in tux and tails and bejeweled ladies in dazzling evening gowns make their way toward the much anticipated social event of the evening. The air in the parlour car tenable, with the thick smoke of fine tobacco and aperitifs. The bubbles of the champagne cocktail tickle my nose.

Chateaubriand, espionage, murder, mistresses, contraband, lovers, jewels, thieves, courtesans, gigolos, and heroes are offered like choices on a Menu Prix Fixe.

Mmmmm…. The Orient Express!

…. But before you book a Reservation to Ryde, I would like to offer a few “train traveling” suggestions based on my recent experience. The Amtrak journey from Los Angeles to Seattle known as The Coast Starlight Express is not The Orient Express. You want to book a trip on the Starlight Express? The following excerpts are from my book Ha-Ha H’all Aboard, soon to be in print, and a must-have guide for traveling by rail.

If you choose Amtrak for economical considerations rather than The Orient Express, check the rate for round-trip luxury accommodations to and from anywhere. Convert the price quote into pennies and throw the money on the tracks in front of the approaching train without boarding. This is referred to as “throwing your money away” or “the flat rate.” Purchasing an Amtrak ticket and getting aboard the train is called “throwing good money after bad” or “hoisting yourself by your own petard.”

Knowing the regulations prior to traveling by rail is essential to survival.

The Coast Starlight Express prohibits carrying alcoholic beverages aboard. You may purchase beer, wine, and spirits in the club car from 9am until 11pm. During these hours of operation the club car will be closed to allow the attendant 2 two-hour meal breaks and no more than 6 (no less than 6) regulated 40-minute union breaks, not to include time out to use the restroom facilities or to deliver snacks, beverages, and three square meals to the conductor or other crew members.

Attendants on duty for lengthy or overnight trips (which include all Amtrak routes other than the brief 4-hour, non-stop journey between Gilroy and Morgan Hill) are required to take an 8-hour “sleep break” after every 2-hour duty shift. Amtrak does have a designated driver; however, there are no white-gloved attendants serving cocktails.

If you plan on having a “spirited” trip, it is imperative to have a creative cocktailing plan in place before boarding. Pack a cooler filled with Evian, Ice Tea, Snapple, Frappiccino, Arizona Green Tea, V-8, and Frutopia. Why? If you’re too stupid to figure this one out, you might as well fly to Seattle.

Ignoring the prohibition to carry alcoholic beverages aboard, fill the bottles accordingly:

Evian=Absolute

Ice Tea=Jack Daniel’s

Arizona Green Tea=Jose Quervo

Snapple (raspberry)=Cosmopolitans

Frappuccino=Bailey’s

V-8=I could have had a Bloody Mary!

Frutopia=Buy my book if you want to know

For your added enjoyment, add lemon or lime wedges, olives, onions, peppercini, or other garnishes to your ice cube tray. Pop your ice cube garnishes into a ziplock bag and you’re all set for creative cocktailing hours.

If you are a “strictly by the rules” type and you choose to purchase cocktails, plan on traveling with at least one arm and a leg plus cash. In the club car, a minimum of $200 plus an arm and a leg will buy you a slight buzz…..after 11:00 p.m. (club care closes) you’re SOL. Purchase whatever you plan to drink as early as possible since club car supply is limited and the only little tiny bottles left for purchase after 10a.m. are disgusting things: negroni. Wine selection is limited to something white or red and beer is Bud.

Don’t buy anything to eat! If you drink AND eat…bring a “sugar daddy” or plan on spending a few nights in a hostel at the end of the line and forget about room service and hotels. A small bag of potato chips (about 3 whole chips and some crumbs) will set you back $1.75…you’ll need deep pockets to buy a three-day-old turkey sandwich. (They don’t accept credit cards in the club car.)

Pack more than you think you’ll need. The flimsy, one-ounce paper cups available at the water coolers are best used for origami.

Travel alone or with a deaf-mute traveling companion.

Refill prescriptions for Prozac, Paxil, Ambien, Valium, Haldol, Percodan, Sonata, Librium, Ativan, Thorazine, Quaaludes (you get the idea?), and Beano.

Practice random acts of kindness. Buy an ass a drink. A Mickey Finn can make the most obnoxious passenger your new best friend.

Smoking is prohibited on the train. Passengers wishing to smoke must the stand on the platform at the designated smoking stops. There are two designated stops between here and the afterlife. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories, restricted areas, or on any part of the train will be removed at the next stop.

I have several suggestions for travelers who might experience “nic-fits.” Chewing nicorette, or other nicotine-laced gum, might help; however, “the patch” is by far the most effective first aid for smokers. At the first sign of an anxiety attack, place the patch firmly over your mouth and nose and breathe deeply until you reach the next designated smoking stop… or the afterlife.

Need I say more???? Sure I do, and you can read it all in Ha-Ha H’all Aboard.