Congress is currently discussing whether they should pass the Passenger’s Bill of Rights to regulate the behavior of airlines in regards to their passengers. Until the day that it passes, which could be decades from now given the efficiency of Congressional conversations, we will have to deal with the current unwritten, or at least until now, Passenger’s Bill of Rights.

1. You have the right to a snack that would satisfy a gerbil, but only a moderately sized gerbil—not a large gerbil. For those who complain of the mediocre rations and request an extra morsel, you are entitled to one icy stare that will function as a “no.”

2. You have the right to wonder, if only for a moment, what happens when you flush an airplane toilet: Is there a tank somewhere or does “flushing” really mean “dropping?” You also have the right to wait to flush until you calculate that you are directly over your in-laws’ pool and then hope your hypothesis was correct.

3. After being forced to watch a romantic comedy where there is a good deal of time spent wondering who the romance was supposed to be between, you have the right to ask the name, address, title, and approximate salary of the airplane executive charged with selecting in-flight movies. You have the subsequent right to send him a strongly worded letter asking that he delegate the responsibility to an underling with better taste or at least someone who knows that Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson are not compatible.

4. You have the right to wonder where the wings they used to pin on the lapel of children went, the ones that were distributed with the also now-gone snacks of peanuts. When you are contemplating where these things have gone, you also have the right to wonder, after particularly rough landings, whether your pilot has any credentials at all past that set of wings they pinned on him at the age of eight. You then have the right to try to remember what you did with yours.

5. You have the right to flight delays that cause you to miss weddings, holidays, and the adolescence of your children.

6. If you are known to be a writer of caustic articles about the airplane industry, you are entitled to a middle seat between a group of septuplets directly next to the lavatory. You have the right, when the children simultaneously “burp,” to function as an extra air sickness bag.

7. You have the right for your children to remain silent. Please parents, you have the right to keep your children silent. Look, we’re losing flight attendants every day who complain of crying kids. If you don’t shut them up we’re going to make you put them in the overhead bin. Yes, for those who are inquisitive, they will count as your carry-on.

8. You have the right to hate passengers in first class as they nakedly judge you—the miserable proletariat—walking by. You also have the right to boldly return their stares and think, “If I had your kind of money, I would get a better haircut.”

9. You have the right to question whether a Gameboy really has the ability to disrupt your airplane’s takeoff and landing. You don’t have the right to an answer. Indeed, if you ask this question you will immediately lose the privilege of your Gameboy, which you can only have back when you are suitably contrite. In any case, you will be sent to Guantanamo Bay where you will not have the right to legal representation, a trial, or anything dictated by the Geneva Convention.

10. You have the right to lose at least one piece of your luggage as well as the right to question a baggage attendant who appears to be wearing your shirt. If your shirts have your initials on their tag, you have the right to reclaim your shirt. You also have the right to not have your Mom initialing all of your clothes.
You have the right to hope Congress picks up their pace, but you also have the responsibility to understand that will never happen.

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Other columns by Ben Haley can be found at www.atwitsbeginning.com