Two-Line Romantic Poems
The following are entries to a contest by “The Washington Post,” in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem…except that the last line had to be as unromantic as the first line was romantic.
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other,
That is, until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you,
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “Go to hell.”
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers, doctors, and hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
__a Martini
__a Margarita
__a Scotch and soda
__a Bloody Mary
__a Gin and Tonic
__a Glass of Chardonnay
__a Steak
__Lobster or crab legs
__The remote control
__a bowl of ice cream
__The sports page
__Chocolate or
__Sex, then it should be presumed that I won’t ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a nursing home with a pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don’t even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on!
A Pet’s 10 Commandments
This is a great reminder that we mean something to someone (our pets) no matter what is happening in our own lives.
1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don’t be angry with me for long and don’t lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don’t understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I’m not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You, too, will grow old.
10. When it’s time for me to make the ultimate difficult journey, never say you can’t bear to watch. Don’t make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.
These are REAL 9-1-1 Calls! (Supposedly.)
Dispatcher: 9-1-1.What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
***
Dispatcher: 9-1-1.What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
***
Dispatcher: 9-1-1.What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am, nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
***
Dispatcher: 9-1-1.What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
***
And the winner is…
Dispatcher: 9-1-1.
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn…I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
Seven Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at two in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife answered, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and bends over to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see.”
The first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!!”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me. I know ‘em all.”
A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It’s W.”
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: “Is it mine?”
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, she said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.”
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked t o find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”
