Furthermore, I like having cats AND a dog because: a) inter-species dynamics are fascinating; b) animal love nourishes our souls; and c) when a cat pukes, the dog will always clean it up.

More later on the dog. But, speaking of mealtime adventures, a local restaurant recently went bust and reopened as Le Trough Magnifique. Wow, French cuisine!!?! A friend and I gave it a whirl, and I’ll try my hand now at the genre and parlance of a restaurant review. Genre? Parlance?? Golly, us writers speak good.

Here we go.

Ambience: A display board of Are Special’s greeted us. The looping script in primary colors included such culinary delights as Sun-Ripened Liver and Free-Range Meatloaf. At last, a class act in town.

The hostess seated us near a digital sign flashing the servers’ names as orders came up-another hallmark of fine dining.

And, while many other “fancy” establishments set out naked utensils at each place
setting, our tableware lay swaddled in napkins. Real cloth. And sealed with paper strips. Clean ones.

The restroom harbored the usual confluence of organic aromas. But management had cared enough to scrawl on a paper towel: Wash youre hand’s!!!!! Misguided punctuation aside, I applaud the attention to hygiene.

Food: Salads possessed a subtle tone-on-tone quality. One sliver of pink tomato peeked from a wedge of iceberg lettuce laced at the edges with a hint of rust. I took the pale, monothematic presentation as a bold statement of confidence that diners would indeed look elsewhere for daily quotas of Vitamin A and bioflavonoids.

In contrast, the Cream of Reuben soup offered a robust, polychromatic demeanor not unlike a hearty butterscotch pudding flecked with something corned beefish. A nest of rye croutons and sauerkraut rode on a gossamer skin of surface tension. Finally, a gaggle of individually shrink-wrapped dinner rolls loitered in the bottom of a wicker basket.

My Alaskan Pike reclined on a bed of shredded lettuce-again the iceberg and rust. To this trained reviewer’s eye, the pike’s “light breading” was not unlike potato chips in a street brawl.

Juxtaposed inside this mayhem lay a fish of such ethereal translucence that a less sophisticated diner might call it raw. I, however, quietly noted the yin-yang essence of this Sushi-like preparation, and dug into the baked potato. My friend commented on my new braces. Ha-ha, what a silly goose! ‘Twas only charred aluminum foil stuck to my teeth.

The pike also interfaced with a softball-sized lump of white rice, smothered in a dark brown sauce. Oh, what a surprise!! Seeing my astonishment, the waitress assured me that no fish were harmed in making this gravy. Nevertheless, my dining companion scraped the same ubiquitous gel off her Sausage Loins du Jour.

Boneless breast of corn-on-the-cob lent color to our plates. Although I still have my teeth-most of them-I quickly ascertained that said corn had been boiled with such loving fervor that it required no chewing! A novel tactile slide.

According to the menu, all meals included “desert.” What an unusual and healthy alternative to “ssweets”! We declined, however, for fear of getting sand in our pantyhose.

Instead, we lingered over coffee and exchanged perspectives on the exotic nature of French cuisine. Our coffee was strong, with a pinch of grounds floating in each cup to prolong the hearty flavor.

Service: Our soup, salad, rolls AND dinners came all at once. Lordy, was that cook smokin’! No, not cigarettes. I mean the poor chap was on fire. Literally. He left in an ambulance. I’m told he’s okay, which is good, but you wanna hear the REALLY great news?? A wicked cute paramedic asked me out!!

Despite substandard results, I’ll award the place an A for effort. Same as I rated the haircut that an energetic albeit unsupervised preschooler recently gave my dog.

Think crop circles on a clueless beagle.

Copyright 2009 by Mary Tompsett

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Mary Tompsett is a self-syndicated humorist who lives with her dog and cats on the far east side of Santa Cruz (okay, Racine, Wisconsin). Her horse left the family for a more stable environment. Read more at www.marytompsett.com.