Aside from the regular cackling heard during “girl’s night out” regarding this column’s title, the axiom’s validity can now be heard on the lips of disgruntled grocery store patrons everywhere.

Let’s clarify what we’re shopping for here. There needs to be some “bulk” in the supermarket products we buy, or our price-per-pound will seem like lopsided chicanery has grasped our food supply.

For instance, check out the half-gallon of Edy’s Ice Cream, and you might find that it has suffered the spell of a head-shrinking witchdoctor. It looks as cylindrical in its usual creamy-good packaging, but in reality the company has shrunk that sucker enough to fool the hasty five-items-or-less-aisle customer.

On top of that the price has risen a bit. Now we get less ice cream at a higher cost. Cows might find it uncomfortable having to retain more milk in their smooshy parts, but those of us with astronomical cholesterol levels whose blood consistency is that of a chunky monkey ooze quality are offended. Did they think that women wouldn’t notice the size of their package? Think again. Ladies are avaricious shoppers. They know what it takes to satisfy, and the latest sleight of hand could have some ol’ favorites in the doghouse.

The dollar doesn’t have the power it once did. If I have to hear about “stretching it” any more, I’ll scream. Let’s forget about that, and discuss making the dollar go farther.

Quantity over quality has exploded upon the economic scene, and the reduction of the former is an attempt to fool you as long as they keep the latter in check. If they would just put a picture of a clown on all of the affected packages, most folks would be even more distracted and oblivious. After all, manufacturers keep treating consumers like children.

Of course, the Mrs. would never buy a clown-faced product. She’d likely be sent shrieking from the store trembling in a neurotic state of quivering confusion. Everybody knows that clowns are actually not cheerful kid playmates, but rather knife-wielding homicidal maniacs who simply never took a class on the proper application of theatrical makeup.

Well, if you find any painted jester in a store these days, the packaging probably has them wearing a sad clown-face. Ramen soup noodles, frozen burritos, snack chips, pork rinds, other staples of the American diet, especially among carny folk and people who live in houses with front porches, have begun to shrink in size! One could barely ever find a reasonable schnitzel before this latest food package shrinkage scandal. Now what’s a kraut lover to do?

Of course, the blame for this belongs with those oil-rich nations in the Middle East. Our truckers have to charge more to get piggy to market. We are left holding the bag, and not only is it the stretchy thin plastic kind that won’t degrade for a million half lives or until Joan Rivers has her last facelift, but it is a much lighter bag than in years past. The high cost of fuel is choking our economy while the sheiks with their harems throw wild petroleum parties complete with veiled virgins in palaces playfully riding the slip-n-slide greased by revenue from American shoppers.

Recently heard in the checkout aisle amongst the divorcees is the lament that “I want my normal half-smoke big boy, not the Pewee Herman-sized sausage.” It’s tough these days in the meat section! With that kind of sentiment, can banana shrinkage be far behind? The country’s desire for largess is as big as ever. True you have to pay a little more, but in the past more always meant better.

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Giosue’ Santarelli is a prolific political columnist, humor columnist, and feature writer who has been scribbling for nearly 40 years. Visit his humor column website “The Devil’s Advocate” at
www.devilsadvocate111.blogspot.com.