What can a child do for dad on Father’s Day? This “holiday” conjures up images of wowing dad with a card, a fishing reel, or a trip somewhere. The feeling, however, is not the same as the day set aside for mom.
After all, mother struggled for nine months to give you life, incurring every ache, pain, bloatation, and mood-swing known to humankind. You owe her big time.
Dad’s part in that whole process was as coach, cheerleader, and late-night delivery boy responsible for finding an all-night pistachio ice cream and sardine store at 3 o’ clock in the morning-all at a moment’s notice. Given the vast differences in such umbilical beginnings, dad is at a distinct disadvantage.
He might be the one who has taught you to throw a ball, swing a club, or deliver a smooth line to a girl when trying to get to first base, but Father’s Day does not truly rival the hullabaloo of the guilt-driven Mother’s Day, which has a sacred-halo status.
So how can you give tribute to this important man who, though overshadowed from an emotional standpoint by the woman of the house, still deserves something of appropriate honor? The options are limitless.
Many folks think of their dad as someone difficult to buy for. Sure, you may think he has everything, but if you are careful to watch the interaction between mom and dad, then you’ll realize that dad either has nothing, does nothing, or looks like he does everything when in fact he does nothing. Dad is a clever character.
In the gift category you can usually buy dad something electronic. If it is a gadget that whizzes or bangs, dad is usually as mesmerized as the family dog with the wind in his face, hanging his head out of the car window. Both have the same tail-wagging experience when it comes to what they like.
Satisfying dad is fairly easy. Why? Because compared to mom, dad is rather easy going. He’s seen the horrors of family life, and he knows to leave the heavy lifting to the General of the house. He’s happy he relinquished that role when the kids arrived!
So cell phones are nice, Tivo, iPods, Palm Pilots, and Blackberrys will all suffice as a nice gift. A pinwheel with its wind-driven motion would even keep the simple man entertained as long as there is enough of a breeze.
It’s the same effect that you find with the family cat that is fascinated by the spot from a flashlight. You move it; they chase it, and bang their head on the closet door when the light runs up the wall. Dad is as easily distracted and amusing.
Where can you take him for a day of dad-like fun? Usually any sporting event will do. If there is a NASCAR, ladies’ mud-wrestling, football game to be found he’ll be a happy camper.
Hey, camping-there’s another idea. Dad likes the great outdoors, sleeping with the insects and rolling around on a dirt floor. Usually dad is a couch potato, so if you have a portable handheld television to drag with you wherever you take him, or transportation large enough to haul a couch, then you’re guaranteed to give him the best Father’s Day he’s ever known. Throw in a little extra dirt without a Laundromat and he’ll be in heaven.
For the outdoorsman dad, a nice day skeet shooting might be good. However, you might have to tolerate being seen with him in his puke green plaid shirts, vests, and other hideous apparel. If he’s older he’ll need a belt. It’s hard to keep his pants pulled up and secured around his chest without one. There is also the case of beer you can supply after such outdoor activity that will make him so happy that he’ll tell you stories that will make him cry.
You could also take dad to his favorite watering hole. No, not the tavern-I mean fishing. There he can show you the finer points of putting a worm on a hook, and of course how to drink enough beer to achieve a second-degree redneck sunburn. How classic! Beet red on only his lower arms and legs; this is the hallmark of a joyful dad.
Still, a card is nice, or the old reliable standby, the tie, will show your appreciation too, especially if pictured on the tie is a lady mud-wrestler shooting skeet from a stock-car while driving for a touchdown and casting out a line in hopes of catching the big one that got away.
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Giosue’ Santarelli is a prolific political columnist, humor columnist, and feature writer who has been scribbling for nearly 40 years. Visit his humor column website “The Devil’s Advocate” at www.devilsadvocate111.blogspot.com.
