Dating vs. Relationships By Giosue’ Santarelli

Aside from the obvious perks of having a long-term steady significant other, there is an advantage to such dedicated lifestyles.
Sure, you have to deal with your partner’s family, mother-in-law, and strange Uncle Carl, but the sacrifice is worth it when you consider that having a steady partner is a great benefit. Besides, they’ve never been able to convict Carnal Carl of anything even though he looks like Tom the Peeper.
In this partnering mode you don’t have to worry about feeding yourself, cleaning the house, or going on annoying blind dates. Constant whoopee happens by itself on a schedule from the gods. In the beginning of a long-term relationship there is blissful agile romping with the help of Cupid (actually it is something akin to chipmunk-paced interludes that are obscured by the fact that both people are usually drunk). Then substantial time passes, and you come to realize that you’re never alone. Even bathroom time is a challenge when you share space!
Women, however, can accomplish all of that satisfaction practically without a man in the bedroom. Because the male is the desperate of the species in pursuit of the female, she is in command and can pick and choose her flings. Basically, if you’re a guy, you should bow to your woman for gracing your slovenly hideously hairy personage with some actual desire and willingness to spend time with you! Geez, man, look in the mirror! Get her to a shrink or simply thank her! If she has a heart she pities you, of course, and has done so since you made yourself such a pathetic target.
It usually begins when she first sees your swinging bachelor pad. No man can live in such Oscar Madison style without having a woman come to the rescue. That is her maternal instinct taking over that leads her to believe that you need her. Of course, you do have needs and she fulfils them! They think they are saving you when in fact you are drawing her into your “life of a solo guy” digs in a clever little gotcha dance. But who’s zoomin’ who?
Can any man actually live in such poverty and sloth as his single apartment represents? If so, then he really can’t respect himself very much. Debauchery, perversion, alcohol in volumes befitting an elephant (sex, drugs, and rock and roll) is the hallmark of the single guy (and college frat houses). One can only carry such hedonism so far before the intervals between encounters become overpowering for him and he realizes that a steady squeeze is the right way to go.
The ladies, however, display their “I’m going to save him” strategy in such a way as to actually lure men into believing that they are in it for him. Once there is a ring on her finger and a child on the way, the man wakes up from his Rip Van Winkle fog to find out he has a mortgage, screaming mouths to feed, and a woman named Bertha who outweighs him by fifty pounds.
The shocked look on his face is precious. But facial expressions are ever changing and the perplexed look is replaced by the dismayed one when she screams at him over the office speaker phone to bring home a box of tampons, a package of diapers, and some fruit.
The other viable method of pursuit is blitzkrieg dating. For many individuals this is a natural state of being. Having countless freakazoids glomming your phone number, throwing pebbles at your window (even though you live on the first floor), and dragging their potentially disease-ridden parts into your silky linen-covered mattress doesn’t faze you at all.
There are clubs these days where you can wear appropriate colored wrist bands in a bar setting that display your intent of the type of get-together you are seeking. It’s advertising at its finest! The ability to party until three a.m., thump all night long, and then get up an hour later in order to work all day in the meat factory is genetically possible when in your youth.
For the older crowd, however, such work is tiresome and without a couple of power naps during the day (especially at the office) we’d be useless. Besides, if we’ve been with someone awhile we are pretty well trained to the partnership, and know what wristband items we can get away with! It is an easy fit. Despite what you may hear about declining libido and grating nerves, the underlying benefit to finding that special someone and sticking with them is a quantum leap ahead of one-night stands, especially if the Kama Sutra manual is what’s on the nightstand.
There is a proportional formula as to which lifestyle makes you happiest based upon the pleasures-of-the-flesh frequency. The longer you go between lusty sessions, the better the eventual romp will be, and learning to hang from the chandelier also is helpful.
If you’re getting it on every night, it is more likely to become stale and routine. So in long-term relationships being married to an ogre is actually a benefit if it keeps you apart for the required amount of time to make your togetherness times even keener.
The dating scene’s natural catch-as-catch-can type of timing is similar and keeps it enticing because when you do finally talk someone into sharing your lame bed it is usually a powerful pleasure pinnacle.
In new relationships there is the artificial glow that many people mistake for love. The word is lust and it is quite valuable but can lure more self-centered individuals into a false sense of achieving what they’ve long sought. When the familiarity of your partner overpowers you, then your sensuous princess looks like Phyllis Diller or your hunky macho partner seems like Porky Pig.
Friendship first is a good rule of thumb (that and plenty of bedroom toys). If you have been able to pal around with the member of the opposite sex for an extended length of time, perhaps even living with them for a time in a somewhat platonic situation, you are more likely to go the distance when the thunderbolt strikes.
Of course, like anything else you must work hard and reinvent yourself by doing things outside of a normal routine to keep it fresh. Lots of whip cream seems to help! This will go a long way to keeping the two of you together for a long time. It also helps if you don’t mind standing in the checkout line with a lime, pull-ups, and a box of tampons.
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Giosue’ Santarelli is a prolific political columnist, humor columnist, and feature writer who has been scribbling for nearly 40 years. Visit his humor column website “The Devil’s Advocate” at www.devilsadvocate111.blogspot.com.