The powers that be could vote to change America’s car fleet fuel system at any time. In order to switch from dead dinosaur-goo-powered propulsion to water- or air-driven engines to save the planet from the Abominable Global-Warming Monster, all Congress has to do is wave its petroleum-soaked wand.

Abracadabra! We could change into a gluttonous sweet-toothed, sugar-cane-driven nation to fuel our cars.

We would force ourselves to eat less too. Not only would it trim our waistlines but eliminating the foggy cloud resulting from fossil fuels would enable us to see angels smiling upon us and birds gleefully tweeting. Then living in such a Madison Avenue commercial could be in our future.

The only resistance Americans offer to such a dramatic economic transformation comes when examining futuristic car manufacturer offerings. The blazing trail of new vehicle creations, from the seemingly two-year-old mindset, appears to have been designed on the drawing board with crayons.

Advancement in automotive technology today resembles the prototypes of the late 1970s, when America rumbled seriously about dealing with its dependence on foreign oil.
Similar blueprints from then seem to be on today’s laptops of American Automotive geniuses! Why do they always want to create cars that look like they should be driven by E.T.?

Do the clods at the drafting board ever step foot in a car?
Are they the pencil-necked geeks from grade-school who could readily offer the numerical sequence for Pi, yet not be able to color coordinate their clothes? These odd fellows always got a super-wedgie from the class bully while the rest of the student body cackled and egged them on. Can someone hanging from the highest yardarm by the elastic of their underwear really inspire any response other than the label “unimaginative Goober?”

The only auto ever to come close to acceptance appeared to be a bubble-mobile on steroids. This hideous design of the 1970s, the AMC Pacer, much in the same vein as the new green-friendly garbage they are trying to pass off as acceptable, was something akin to a pregnant VW bug that had spread out its hips and was adorned with more window space than a glass house. It was gas efficient, however.
Thus the notion that consumers will drive anything if it gets fifty miles to the gallon was born. These modern super sub-compact cars remind one of the glass-enclosed phone booth that became known as the “Pope-mobile.”

The difference between the unsightly Pacer and today’s gruesome pod-sized atmosphere-friendly designs is that the Pacer seemed to be made out of metal. The modern death traps that the industry is offering a nervous public seem too lightweight. They could fly if each passenger put an arm out of a window at the same time. That might be necessary given the limited creature comforts, such as space, that these mechanized midgets present. They do not inspire safety, or an esthetically pleasing sense of taste. They completely ignore the cool factor.

Guys who thought being seen behind the wheel of a soccer-mom sporty van shudder when they see the Mork from Ork motor vehicles that salivating granola-munching environmentalists seem to favor in the current crop of earth-friendly autos. These cars from Mars remind one of the Merry Melodies cartoons of ages past featuring Marvin the Martian. He was about as popular as the Edsel too! He didn’t drive a car, but in a turnabout with Bugs Bunny, Marvin would be the instigator of antics that the poor rabbit endured trying to save the Earth from the odd-looking Martian.

The zany antics come to mind when one views the designs of the “inventive offerings” of modern earth-favorables from the auto industry. Like Marvin we might seek destruction of the earth rather than its salvation after we spend any time squished in one of these modern mechanical monstrosities. The feeling inspired by their appearance and performance is a desire to drive the ever-so-clean, fuel-efficient, four-wheeler off the nearest cliff.

Muscle cars represented power and the zenith of American status. The whimpering, sniveling, fuel-efficient, friendly-fueled, bug-sized design of the future needs an appropriate moniker that captures the essence of tomorrow’s driving experience. No longer referred to as the bug-eyed bubble-mobile, we can simply refer to it as “The Marvin.”

* * *
Giosue’ Santarelli is a prolific political columnist, humor columnist, and feature writer who has been scribbling for nearly 40 years. Visit his humor column website “The Devil’s Advocate” at www.devilsadvocate111.blogspot.com.