September birthdays: In KwaZulu-Natal, king Shaka is honored this month. Although you don’t reign over 250,000 people or command an army of 50,000 warriors, you too are a celebrated September figure!

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Mayflower Day commemorates the brave, early settlers in search of freedom in a New World, which is NOT the same as your quest to find toothpicks in WalMart.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): It’s a good thing you’re patient, because you’ll have a heightened awareness of how many stupid questions are asked each and every day, not just on Ask a Stupid Question Day. Just try to resist asking yourself if a stupid person can be a smart-ass.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): You’re all about communication. That’s why you should brush up on your pirate-speak in preparation for International Talk Like a Pirate Day. You know, basics like “Bring me some grog smartly, me lass.” A word of advice: the phrase “Prepare to be boarded” is usually not a successful pick-up line.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): September honors Emma N. Nutt, the first female telephone operator. Like Ms. Nutt, you have the ability to detect people’s thoughts and feelings, thanks to the invention of cordless phones with multiple headsets.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Celebrate the power of positive thinking this month on Positive Thinking Day. There’s nothing you can’t accomplish through positive thinking, except ending war and famine, ensuring medical care for everyone, and keeping the rabbits out of your garden.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): This month is Teddy Bear Day. You can cuddle a teddy bear, you can love a teddy bear, but best of all, you can tear the stuffing right out of his cute fluffy body when you’ve had a crappy day.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Defy your reliable nature by celebrating Be Late for Something Day. Ironically by being late, people will respect your more because they perceive you to be in great demand and therefore of great importance. Warning: this rule does not apply to significant others. If you are late for an engagement with your partner, you will become the founder of a new holiday, Throw a Shoe at Your Spouse Day.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Because of your magnetic aura and determination, this month, you are impossible to ignore. Kind of like Biosphere Day is impossible to remember.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): On September 23, 1952, now known as Dogs in Politics Day, Nixon gave an important speech about a new dog, named “Checkers,” that his family had received. Like Checkers, your ability to sniff out bull$#!t will get through this month.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Because you are so practical, you are the perfect person to support Defy Superstition Day this September 13th. So cross a black cat’s path, open an umbrella indoors, or break a mirror, but remember that if you smell the herb basil, an enraged scorpion will hatch in your brain and sting you to death (that one’s true).

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Right now, you have your whole future ahead of you. You also have your whole past behind you. So, in honor of Confucius Day, keep in mind that “Man who run in front of car get tired; but man who run behind car get exhausted.”

PISCES (2/19-3/20): You and Homer Simpson must share the same sign because the moment you’ve both been waiting for all year, National Cream Filled Donut Day, is here. Like Homer, you have an intuitive knowledge that a unifying thread-donuts-exists throughout the universe.