October birthdays: This haunting month is full of ghosts, scarecrows, haunted houses, and parties—birthday parties. But stop telling everyone you see dead people. Yes, it’s your birthday, but you’re not THAT old…

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Columbus Day celebrates how Christopher Columbus discovered America so that he could inform the Native Americans where they lived. Like Chris, or C.C. as he liked to be called, your poor navigational skills will enable you too to stumble upon the obvious this month.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
It’s time to admit when you’re wrong. Especially when you get arrested this month for omitting the “Tag” in your celebration of American Touch Tag Day.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21):
Make up your mind, Gemini. Do you want to celebrate Frankenstein Day, which honors the author of “Frankenstein,” Mary Shelly, or Frankenstein Friday, which honors Frankenberry cereal? (Those marshmallows are awfully yummy…)

CANCER (6/22-7/22):
Make a Difference Day is a day to devote to helping others in your community. You know, like depositing coins in the meters before the Interceptor intercedes, debarking noisy neighborhood dogs, or offering to parallel park for the parking impaired whose Mercedes lack rear-view parking cameras.

LEO (7/23-8/22):
This Curious Events Day will find your apartment transformed into a temporary time portal. But fear not—because you are so dynamic, you’ll manage to sell ads to King Arthur, who’s never even heard of the “printing press.”

VIRGO (8/23-9/22):
Because you are extremely meticulous, this coming Moldy Cheese Day won’t find you with any moldy Gouda, Cheddar, or Havarti in your refrigerator (but check for Drunken Goat in your pantry). So what do you do instead of cleaning your fridge? How about driving along Big Sur in your Chevre-lay?

LIBRA (9/23-10/22):
You are so sensitive regarding others’ feelings and you are such a nice person that you’ve missed out on years of fun and pranks every Mischief Night in October. The remedy? Here’s your shopping list: rotten eggs, rotten tomatoes, lots of t.p. (double rolls), some soap, Mother-in-law Day, and plenty of imagination…

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21):
In October of 1871, Mrs. O’Leary’s cow supposedly kicked over a lantern, which started the Great Chicago Fire that burned for over 27 hours. This month, you might want to avoid starting bonfires on the beach, or being anywhere near one for that matter…

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21):
You are destined to become the next Amazing Criswell on Increase Your Psychic Powers Day. Your finely honed foresight and sixth sense will enable you to write amazingly inaccurate horoscopes that predict less than a fortune cookie based on surfing the net.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19):
At 9 a.m., October 11th, it’s time to reveal your warm and fuzzy side by celebrating Take Your Teddy Bear to Work Day. Dress up Teddy in a little suit and tie, have him sign some contracts, and let him pick up the tab at lunch. Then, at 5 p.m., October 11th, celebrate Get the Crap Kicked Out of You Day.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18):
You’re a revolutionary, a skeptic. That’s why International Skeptics Day is made for you. You don’t just blindly accept the Theory of Relativity. I mean, just because Einstein wanted to marry his cousin, doesn’t mean we all should.

PISCES (2/19-3/20):
You are content to be alone, quiet, and peaceful. Hermit Day is for those like you who prefer to be by themselves, away from the hustle and bustle of society. Either that, or it’s a day to play the English rock band Herman’s Hermits music full blast until your neighbor’s ears bleed.