November birthdays:
In the first feast, the pilgrims didn’t have mashed potatoes because many Europeans thought the newly discovered potato was poisonous. Boy, were they dumb. Don’t be a pilgrim, enjoy your birthday feast!

ARIES (3/21 - 4/19)
Your competitive nature often places you first in everything and this Thanksgiving is no exception: You will be the first one to finish dinner and the first one to break Uncle Buck’s record for the most turkey consumed in one sitting. You will also be the first one to reach for the Rolaids.

TAURUS (4/20 - 5/20)
You normally have exquisite taste in food, so it will come as a complete shock to friends and family when you serve a turkey stuffed with White Castle hamburgers.

GEMINI (5/21- 6/21)
You have much to be thankful for this November, like winning that dollar from a scratch-off lottery ticket, saving money on day-old milk purchased at 7-Eleven (which was still perfectly good), and finding that lucky penny under the car mat. Come to think of it, this year has pretty much sucked, hasn’t it?

CANCER (6/22 - 7/22)
You love family traditions like Thanksgiving, but let’s face it, with your senile great-aunt who asks you if you like marshmallows on your sweet potatoes every ten seconds and your father who would rather gum his turkey than put in his teeth, your family gathering at Thanksgiving is anything but a Norman Rockwell painting.

LEO (7/23 - 8/22)
As a natural-born, charismatic leader, you have the ability to lead wild turkeys through fire and death, and make them darn delicious by basting on the hour every hour. Men of all walks of life will bow before your turkey platter, and eat stuffing from the palms of your hands.

VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22)
Remember, during this harvest season, that your emblem is a virgin holding a bunch of wheat that represents wisdom gathered from the field of life’s rich experiences. Whatever the hell this means, just remember it—it’s probably important.

LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22)
A master at the art of compromise, you’ll find yourself celebrating Thanksgiving both with your parents in San Diego and with your partner via cellphone in Monterey. But when misunderstandings arise, ask yourself: Is it cellphone static or the fact that you’re talking with your mouth full of pumpkin pie?

SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21)
A famous Scorpio, the wife of Louis XVI, Marie Antoinette, was beheaded, which you would much rather be than to have to go Christmas shopping with the in-laws on November 26th.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21)
Take time away from the psychotics you work with this Thanksgiving season to spend quality time with the psychotics in your family. Stuff your turkey with Prozac.

CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19)
It took Sarah Hale, an editor, forty years of writing editorials and letters to governors and presidents until Lincoln finally got tired enough to proclaim a Thursday in November 1863 as Thanksgiving. Just goes to show, you can accomplish anything if you persist forty years in repeatedly annoying the crap out of people.

AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18)
You work tirelessly throughout the year, so when your boss only gives you one day off to celebrate Thanksgiving, kindly inform him that the pilgrims and Indians celebrated the first feast for three days and that you’re a real stickler for historical accuracy.

PISCES (2/19 - 3/20)
The voyage from England to America in 1620 was thousands of miles and fraught by autumn storms, which is NOT comparable to your having to run to the store to buy batteries for your remote control.