by Claire Voyant

May birthdays:

May is Older Americans Month, which you will be officially joining as you blow out how many candles on your birthday cake?!? On a related note, National Preservation Month becomes more meaningful to you…

ARIES (3/21-4/19): In Japan, there is a so-called “May sickness,” in which students or workers tire of their schoolwork or jobs. But May sickness can’t touch you, Aries! You are incapable of procrastination or laziness! You always jump into your work with passion and excitement, which gives your fellow students or workers a so-called “Aries sickness.”

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Your May flowers will make people green with envy. But never tell them your secret composting ingredient: bullsh*t.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Don’t beat yourself up this month if you behave in a silly, unreasonable way, or if you love on one hand and dislike on the other. A lot of people feel conflicted about enjoying National Dance Like A Chicken Day.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): You should guard against your tendency to mother others this month. Although friends know they can count on your sensitivity and compassionate nature in the face of difficulty, they might not appreciate your attempts to educate them on Fungal Infection Awareness Month.

LEO (7/23-8/22): In Germany, an old custom exists of planting a “tree of May” to honor someone special. Often young admirers would display a decorated birch tree in front of a loved one’s home. Honey, if you had as many trees displayed in your yard as you have admirers, California would have to declare your property a State Park.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Your obsession with cleanliness and order may be distracting you from the important issues and opportunities that this month offers. Like the celebration of No Pants Day on the first Friday in May. So stop your spring cleaning and put on your boxers or bloomers because “When large groups of people parade around in public without their pants, amazing things are bound to happen.”

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Love and relationships are at the heart of all you do. Once you find your soul mate, your most important mission, your life will be extremely satisfying. That’s why May, Date Your Mate Month, will be so much more rewarding to you than last month, Date Someone Else’s Mate Month.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): May 9th is Lost Sock Memorial Day, or in the case of the Scorpio, Revenge on the Dryer With A Baseball Bat Day.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): This month, your high level of energy seems to be continually on tap, as does Dos Equis Dark on Cinco de Mayo. You’re able to tap this energy (from Dos Equis?) to achieve this month’s goals of mass consumption of salsa, guacamole, and chips.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Because you are resourceful and practical, you can truly appreciate the importance of Towel Day, which is celebrated in May as a tribute to Douglas Adams. Towels can be used for warmth, to lie on, as a sail a mini raft, or to wave in emergencies as a distress signal, or, for those less imaginative, to dry off with.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): May 4th (May the 4th be with you) is Star Wars day as “Star Wars” was originally released in May 1977. Like Luke Skywalker, this month your ability to embrace new technologies will not be appreciated by family members whose calls are repeatedly dropped by your cell phone. And Jedi mind tricks like “You will give me an extra week of paid vacation and a huge bonus” will not work on your boss, confirming that he is more droid than human.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Your compassion and sensitivity, your instinctive willingness to help others, and your desire to alleviate suffering makes you sought out by those in distress on May 30th, My Bucket’s Got A Hole In It Day.