May Birthdays
On your birthday, savor your cake slowly. But lest you forget this foolish advice, swallowing several small semi-melted candles will turn your birthDAY into a week-long celebration also known as Emergency Medical Services Week.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Don’t waste time this month reading Covey’s “Seven Habits.” Instead, examine the origins of Space Day. Space Day was not created, as some might foolishly believe, by NASA or an astronaut. It was created by the Lockheed Martin Corporation to train kids in math and science SO they could one day become loyal Lockheed Martin corporate citizens. After all, if children are our future, don’t you too deserve to profit?

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
Celebrate the birthday of Edward Lear, a Taurus who wrote in a manner quite queer, with pen and jeroboam, craft a humorous poem, for a Limerick Day full of cheer.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21):
You can celebrate Be a Millionaire Day sooner than you think through hard work, sound investment, and frugal spending. Or, if you just can’t wait 15 minutes, celebrate even sooner (the American way) by marrying money or auditioning for a role on reality TV.

CANCER (6/22-7/22):
Don’t get too moody over Visit Your Relatives Day, a day to cherish your relatives and strengthen relationships. After all, an online card surely counts as a “visit,” right?

LEO (7/23-8/22):
Because you dream big and thrive on adversity, pay no heed to those who scoff at your desire to become a professional sea monkey trainer this National Sea Monkey Day. Also pay no heed to those who pretend sea monkeys are merely brine shrimp instead of a true miracle of nature existing in a sophisticated aquaculture.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22):
What does Frog Jumping Day have to do with Mark Twain’s story “The Notorious Jumping Frog of Monterey County”? We don’t know either, but given your tendency to worry, you probably won’t sleep a wink this month trying to figure it out.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22):
World Press Freedom Day values the freedom of printed expression and journalistic accomplishments. While freedom of the press is guaranteed in the United States, in many other countries, it ain’t. After reading this month’s issue of the Foolish Times, you may wish to relocate to one of those countries.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21):
It’s wonderful how passionate you are about Astronomy Day, but generally you’re supposed to point the telescope at the stars in the sky, not at those in Clint Eastwood’s Mission Ranch.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21):
This month, examine your level of energy, which seems to be on par with Fatigue Syndrome Day. Ask yourself if you’re tired because you’re bored, overworked, overstressed, depressed, or not sleeping well. Then pick up the phone and call your doctor, unless your fingers are too tired to dial.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19):
Being practical, you combine several of this month’s holidays into one celebration: National Candied Orange Peel Day, National Hoagie Day, No Diet Day, Eat What You Want Day, No Dirty Dishes Day, and, most importantly, Lumpy Rug Day (because the dirty dishes have to go somewhere).

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18)
Your temper leads you to fully appreciate both National Bike Month and National Blood Pressure Month. But no matter how many bikers weave outside of the bike lane in front of your car, you are not permitted to “clip” them, unless you also want to more fully appreciate National Police Week.

PISCES (2/19-3/20)
Lots of people watch birds, which is better than watching American Idol. That’s why Bird Day, first observed in 1894, was set aside to watch birds and focus on conservation and awareness. However, awareness does not include informing the Audubon Society of a Tweety Bird sighting.