March Birthdays
Your birthday this month can only be described as March Madness, a twenty-day birthday celebration that begins in March and ends sometime in April.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
For you, March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. This means you behave like you’re the king of the jungle, your tail ends in a hairy tuft, and you have inexplicable midnight cravings for large mammals like buffalo wings, followed by licking, purring, and resting for twenty hours a day in early March, whereas late March finds you in need of a good shearing.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
Green is the color of St. Patrick’s Day, perhaps because it takes place just a few days before the first day of spring. Perhaps because of shamrocks. Perhaps because green is a color of the Irish flag. Or perhaps because green is the color of your face after drinking green beer during a three-day St. Patrick’s Day celebration.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21):
Your lively imagination, gift for gab, and touch of paranoia lead you to campaign for the presidency this month. You will be elected as president of your homeowner’s association for your wit. You will then promptly be fired for your overly enthusiastic, yet unsuccessful, roll-out of the Bulgarian March tradition of wearing a martenitsa (red and white tassels) until a stork is seen in the neighborhood.

CANCER (6/22-7/22):
You might be too obsessed about the past if you celebrate every March 28, the day Nathaniel Briggs of New Hampshire patented the washing machine, by dragging your family on a vacation to a laundromat in Concord.

LEO (7/23-8/22):
I realize that on St. Patrick’s Day, some cities dye rivers or city fountains green. But your creativity might not be appreciated by your coworkers when you dye the water in the toilets and drinking fountains green.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22):
Leprechauns are little shoemakers for the fairies that live in Ireland. If you catch one, he’ll tell you where he hides his gold. And if people believe that, you should have no problem selling them copies of the Foolish Times for $5.00 a paper.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22):
You may know that March in the Northern Hemisphere is the seasonal equivalent to September in the Southern Hemisphere. If you also know that salt in the Northern Hemisphere is the seasonal equivalent to pepper in the Southern Hemisphere, you’re ready to compete on the Iron Chef.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21):
Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lentils. By the end of this month, however, you will be sick of lentils and will crave some variety like, say, garbanzo beans.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21):
Stop waiting by the door for the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Prize Patrol van to turn in your driveway so you can quit your job. If they didn’t show up in February, you aren’t a winner, no matter how many useless gadgets you bought to “not influence your odds of winning.”

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19):
This month, coworkers accuse you of being indifferent, rigid, and unfriendly, and complain to your boss because you’re not being a team player. But you don’t have to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day if you don’t want to.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18)
Folklore has it that St. Patrick ran all of the snakes out of Ireland, even though snakes were not native to Ireland. You might want to follow your head this month instead of your heart, however, and think before you start a “Save the Irish Snakes” non-profit organization.

PISCES (2/19-3/20)
While rooting for the underdog this month, you learn that you can’t have joy without sorrow or happiness without suffering. When your team wins the basketball championship against all odds, it’s too bad you only bet your pal a dollar.