June birthdays: June 19th is Garfield’s birthday, which is really going to overshadow any birthday party plans you have this month.ARIES (3/21-4/19):
What do the NBA Playoffs and you have in common? This month, you’ll both take long shots, hoping to score. And how do you differ? You don’t have as many convictions and you don’t make $1,000 a second for dribbling.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
This month, Seattle, Washington holds a large Summer Solstice Parade & Pageant, which has recently started to include painted naked cyclists. This recent change really bunches your panties because you cherish the status quo and would love to return to the proper pagan solstice celebration of lighting bonfires to ward off evil spirits.
GEMINI (5/21-6/21):
You are strongly analytical, giving you a great ability to see both sides of a question. On the one hand, you can appreciate that the Postal Service needs extra revenue and that they’re nice enough to offer new “forever” stamps that will remain valid indefinitely. On the other hand, you’re fit to be tied thinking of all the one-cent stamps you’ll have to buy so your 41-cent Frank Sinatra stamps remain usable.
CANCER (6/22-7/22):
Show your love of literature this month by celebrating Bloomsday, a day honoring James Joyce on which large portions of his book “Ulysses” are read or performed. If you’re hard-core, you could even have a marathon 36-hour reading (or less for speed readers) of the entire novel. Or, you could just forgo the artsy-fartsy stuff and consume mass quantities of sausages, rashers, and Guinness pints instead.
LEO (7/23-8/22):
The U.S. Open is held on a challenging course that is long with rough, hilly greens (once described as “trying to hit a ball on top of a VW Beetle”) and pinched fairways. Never one to shy away from setbacks, you will successfully tackle all obstacles you face this month, including getting your golf buddies to pay for your beer at the 19th hole.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22):
June 18 is International Panic Day, a day to worry and panic. I’m not sure what it is you should worry about or why it should be of international concern. Maybe you can worry about what you’re supposed to be worrying about this month.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22):
Okay, Libra, this is your month to really shine. Forget International People Skills Month, Effective Communications Month, and National Handshake Day-you’ve got those skills nailed. Instead, enhance your popularity and people skills by renting “Saturday Night Fever” (on its 31st anniversary) to prepare for World Sauntering Day on June 19. Why walk when you can stylishly stroll?
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21):
On June 31st, celebrate Weasel Stomping Day, created by Weird Al Yankovic, by putting on a Viking helmet, spreading mayonnaise on your lawn, and stomping weasels. Why celebrate this fictitious holiday? Because it’s “tradition,” and the alliteration of “whack a weasel” is so much catchier than “whack a mole”!
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21):
One of the most recognized trophies in U.S. and Canadian professional sports, the Stanley Cup has traveled more than 400,000 miles just during the last five seasons. It has ridden a Ferris wheel at the North Carolina State Fair, skied on a jetski (with its own life jacket), climbed to the top of Mt. Elbert in Colorado, and visited an Aboriginal Settlement and an igloo in Rankin Inlet. What have you done for fun lately?
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19):
Most stable and serious of all the zodiac signs, you are unlikely to celebrate the Festival of Popular Delusions Day, a day on which everyone thinks $4 a gallon for regular gas is a darn good deal.
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18):
They say it will be a wet summer if a cuckoo bird is heard on June 21, Cuckoo Warning Day. So keep your mouth shut.
PISCES (2/19-3/20):
Father’s Day was first proposed at a church service by a member who wanted to celebrate fathers after a deadly mine explosion. I guess fathers and explosives have never been a good combination. So maybe you should think twice about solving your gopher problem with dynamite sticks.
