July birthdays: You share your birthday month with Canada, the United States, governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Henry David Thoreau. But when asked to reveal your age, you’re as secretive as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV and his Scientology buddies.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): To win the Tour de France is an incredible feat, especially with the Tour de France devil or El Diablo running about. But, this month, you will take on a similar challenge by competing in the U.S. Open Sandcastle Competition in Imperial Beach, California. Your El Diablo? An unleashed troublesome Cairn Terrier.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Pleasure week, the first week of July, was made just for you because you love the finer things: delicious food, expensive wine, a nice ride, and a gorgeous house. Unfortunately, Pebble Beach real-estate prices were not made just for you, or anyone else in the real world.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): You will absorb many types of stimuli this month, but be cautious that you don’t miss the chance to gain an in-depth knowledge of any one topic, such as “American Idol,” as you channel surf for hours on end during National Television Heritage Day.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): July is Family Reunion Month, a month to celebrate your genealogy and closest relationships. But at your big July 4th family picnic, be sure to avoid sitting next to Uncle Sal because it’s also Anti-boredom Month.

LEO (7/23-8/22): In Bulgaria, people celebrate July Morning (which dates from the hippie period) by traveling to the sea to catch the first rays of sunlight. The best way to observe July Morning is to meditate on a secluded beach until you feel the warm sun’s rays like a symbol of new beginnings-just before you’re trampled by tourists, blinded by sand kicked by unruly kids, and attacked by wet dogs chasing soggy balls.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): The part of the body ruled by your sign is the intestines. This presents a critical clue regarding your role within humankind. It also presents a critical clue that you should stock up on Lactaid pills since this redundant month is National Ice Cream Month with a National Ice Cream Day.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Libra, it’s time to get off the fence. July 2nd is World UFO Day, which is the date of the Roswell Incident. It’s time to admit that alien beings, i.e. tourists, have visited and continue to visit us every summer.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Pamela Anderson’s birthday is July 1. You have an instinctive ability to detect falsehoods, not falsies, including your neighbor’s huge stash of illegal fireworks in his garage.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): You derive the most meaning from experience, not books. So experience Take Your Pants for a Walk Day (which is so much kinder than Take Your Fat Ass for a Walk Day), not just on July 27 but for the entire month, by taking walks. If you’re wearing pants, they’re sure to follow.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): For you this month, ethical ideas must coincide with socially responsible behavior. But is it keeping with the spirit of National Nude Day (July 14th) to wear a Nude Day t-shirt?

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Captain Jean-Luc Picard (aka, Patrick Stewart), whose birthday is this month, obviously had you in mind when he said, “I shall appoint you my executive officer in charge of radishes.” So, now that you have your title, make it “sow.”

PISCES (2/19-3/20): The Dog Days of summer are coming, but thankfully, so is Hammock Day. So lie back with a cool one and do what you do best, contemplate the divine. That is, until you start swearing like a sailor at the mosquitoes, gnats, and flies.