FOOL-O-SCOPE February

February birthdays: February sometimes has 29 days and sometimes 28 days. It also is pronounced with or without the first “r.” Since this month is so lax, celebrate your birthday whenever the hell you want!
ARIES (3/21-4/19): Ever see the movie “Groundhog Day,” in which Bill Murray re-lives the same day over and over? Well, you may as well re-read your Fool-o-Scope from the January issue until we come up with something better next time.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Guard against your jealous tendencies this month, especially on Valentine’s Day, when your loved one may have other plans. If your partner claims to have to pull an all-nighter writing Valentine’s Day cards for Hallmark, it must be true.
GEMINI (5/21-6/21): In matters of love, you can be fickle. Although the Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines will be sent this year worldwide, they didn’t count on them all being sent by you.
CANCER (6/22-7/22): Imaginative and prone to fantasy, you sometimes try to make your life fit a romantic ideal. But no matter how much you love them, you cannot send a Valentine’s Day card to “The Meaty Breakfast Burrito c/o Jack in the Box.”
LEO (7/23-8/22): The first association of Valentine’s Day with romantic love was documented by Geoffrey Chaucer in 1382, which is about the last time you remember having a romantic evening.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Your sign is the virgin, and it’s Valentine’s Day. Boy, it sucks to be you this month.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22): If Presidents’ Day celebrates the birthdays of Washington and Lincoln, does that mean that all of the other presidents were never really born? Honestly, Libra, you must cease this ridiculous crusade to create a “Presidents’ Day Plus” national holiday just because you want to be “fair” to all of our nation’s leaders.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): According to the official website, Punxsutawney Phil maintains longevity by drinking a secret “elixir of life.” I don’t care what Punxsutawney Phil told you in Groundhogese: Sierra Nevada is NOT the elixir of life.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): While it’s usually good to remain optimistic in the face of disappointment, you might not want to be so obviously joyful by mimicking a touchdown dance in front of your distraught partner when the power fails during the Stupid Bowl.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): This Valentine’s Day, fight your miserly tendencies by giving your sweetie two boxes of candy hearts instead of one. And no, they don’t make dollar-off coupons for a 59-cent box of candy.
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): This month, you will experience a disturbing spiritual awakening when Punxsutawney Phil shares with you the ultimate meaning of life, which will cause you to seek psychological care for an unspecified duration of time.
PISCES (2/19-3/20): If the groundhog comes out and sees his shadow, he goes back into his burrow and takes a six-week-long nap. If he doesn’t see a shadow, he dances to the “Caddyshack” theme song. So BE the groundhog, Pisces, and relish long naps and solitude—if, that is, you can get the “Caddyshack” theme song out of your head.

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