January birthdays: Wow, it must be heavy to have a birthday during the bringing in of a new year full of rebirth, resolutions for self-improvement, and new goals, hopes, and dreams. Of course, if your birthday is at the end of the month, forget what I just said.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): An old Scotch tune, “Auld Lang Syne,” literally means Old Long Song. What this means for you is it’s time to stop singing the same old tune, and change your competitive ways this new year. Once in a while, it’s okay if your grandmother wins a hand of Uno.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Being of the sign of possessions, don’t resolve to quit smoking or lose weight this new year. Instead, resolve to return all borrowed farm equipment, especially since you don’t own a farm.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): You hate listening to people complain. So you better invest in some Bose noise reduction headphones and resolve to keep them on for the better part of 2007. Just don’t expect to win Employee of the Year since you do work in the Customer Service department.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Since you relish tradition, celebrate the new year by eating black-eyed peas and hog jowls with a tall dark-haired man for luck and prosperity. If you’re a vegetarian, kiss your hog-jowl prosperity good-bye.

LEO (7/23-8/22): This year, resolve to let your wacky sense of humor shine more often. If people give you strange looks, just tell them you read Foolish Times. That should explain EVERYTHING.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): You’ve been too hard on yourself this past year. So, this year, make an easy resolution: vow to put the cap back on the toothpaste. Also vow to take it off to brush your teeth.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Early Roman emperors constantly tinkered with the official start date of the new year. To correct the problem, the Julian Calendar was established, but not before the previous year dragged on for 445 days to synchronize the calendar with the sun. The lesson? Be decisive this year, and take those synchronized swimming classes you’ve been talking about for 445 days!

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): You love magic and mystery, and the new year is full of both. Resolve to visit The Mystery Spot in Santa Cruz, where an Elvis impersonator will give you the winning lottery numbers. But avoid the circus or you will be stalked by a sinister clown.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): January 1 has been celebrated as a holiday by Western nations for about the past 400 years, which coincidentally is about how long it’s been since you’ve had a decent vacation. 2010 is your year to travel overseas. Just be sure to watch “National Lampoon’s European Vacation” before you go.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): A new year has begun. That’s only 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes, and 31,536,000 seconds to work until your next day off.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): You know that song about you, “The Dawning of the Age of Asparagus”? Well, this new year is time to resolve to take better care of your health and to eat your veggies, especially asparagus.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Use the new year as an opportunity to get rid of things that make you unhappy, like commercials, the airline industry, and Fox News.