August birthdays:
Crows everywhere are equally black. Pigeons everywhere are equally loud. Horoscopes everywhere are equally vague, except on the subject of crows and pigeons, cutting-edge topics indeed.
ARIES (3/21-4/19): Dismantle the bridge shortly after crossing it. That way you can take the bridge with you for the next crossing, and enjoy the thought of others behind you falling into the river because they lack your bridge-building skills.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Distant water won’t help to put out a fire close at hand. Distant water won’t quench your immediate thirst. Stay near the water this month, is what I’m basically saying, Waterless.
GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Do not employ handsome servants. Nor should you employ lovely maids. On the other hand, in this economy it’s pretty much a buyer’s market. You might as well get your money’s worth.
CANCER (6/22-7/22): Do not want others to know what you have done? Better not have done it anyways. P.S.: If you’re reading this in August, it’s too late.
LEO (7/23-8/22): A man without a smiling face must not open shop. Think twice about opening that Gourmet Bait shop, Sullen.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22): A bird can roost but on one branch; a mouse can drink not more than its fill from a river. So what makes you think you can go back to the buffet table seventeen times?
LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Give a man a fish and a boat and teach him to use sonar technology, and you give him a big house in Pebble Beach.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Small men think they are small; great men never know they are great. Your duty this month is to find a great man and inform him how great he is. Get to it, Tiny Littleton.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): Add legs to the snake after you have finished drawing it. Also add buck teeth and a fireman’s hat. Take it to a San Francisco art museum. Do not accept less than $200,000.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. Be very, very afraid, especially when crossing the street during rush hour.
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Talk does not cook rice. Unless you’re the restaurant manager. Then talk does indeed cook rice.
PISCES (2/19-3/20): A dog won’t forsake his master because of his poverty; a son never deserts his mother for her homely appearance. Wait a minute. Who said something about my mother?
