April birthdays: You will witness a special ceremony. Sorry I can’t be more specific about the details. All I know is that it involves you, a judge, a couple of lawyers, some plaintiffs, a jury, and a swearing-in of some sort that ends with the words “So help me God”-nope, sorry, just can’t make any more of it out.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): A quiet evening with friends is the best tonic for a long day. Sharing your special “tonic” with a group of friends is even better.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Anger begins with folly, and ends with regret. But it feels very, very satisfying during the middle portion, let me tell you.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): A member of your family will soon do something that will make you proud. I know, I can’t believe it either, but it’s true. Of course, I can’t prophesy how distant the relative will be. Most likely, very.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): The time is right to make new friends. This column was written over a month ago to hit a deadline, however, so that time has already passed and is gone forever, Friendless.

LEO (7/23-8/22): You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. I’m betting on a small piece of land. Since this is California, it will be worth millions, but because of the economy, you will never be able to get rid of it. Congratulations, and enjoy the albatross around your neck.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Good luck is the result of good planning. Bad luck is the result of bad planning. Mediocre luck is the result of mediocre planning. Spotting a pattern here, Genius?

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Your great attention to detail is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because it enables you to draw a vast income in that most prestigious of positions, Editor. But it is also a curse, because publishing is going the way of the dodo, dodo.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Look for new outlets for your creative abilities. Can you paint? Consider taking up house painting. Can you write? Consider writing your mother-she’s been waiting for about a year now. Can you belch the “Star-Spangled Banner”? There’s a talent show on the Fox network you should look into.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days. Just look how it prolongedeth the word “prolong.”

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. So naturally your wallet is empty. This is America, after all. Devout doesn’t pay. Start exploiting the weaknesses of others, look for legal loopholes, and seek nothing but material gain. You’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams! Before you die like everyone else.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Good things are being said about you. I really can’t say any more than that. A vague fortune, in the passive voice, and mildly optimistic. What do you expect for free? Cross my palm with silver, man!

PISCES (2/19-3/20): If you want the rainbow, you must put up with the rain. If you want the rain, you must get the hell out of California.