April birthdays
What a month to have a birthday. The Titanic sank, the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake occurred, and the Chernobyl nuclear accident happened. But, hey, it isn’t all bad; it’s also Mathematics Awareness Month and, um, National Welding Month… so, party on, dude!

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
The American Revolution started with Paul Revere’s ride early one April. Like Paul Revere, your leadership will be celebrated for years to come by your Solitaire-playing coworkers as they retell how you rolled down the hallway in your office chair yelling, “The boss is coming, the boss is coming!”

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
For you, the path to the spiritual lies through the physical, and you certainly do enjoy the physical pleasures of life. However, I hate to break it to you, but Alcohol Awareness Month doesn’t simply mean renting “Cocktails” to learn how to make the perfect martini.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21):
It’s good that you are diligent in gathering lots of information, but you cannot claim the estimated cost of ink, paper, stamps, envelope, cigarettes, wine, and wear and tear on your writing hand while doing your taxes as legitimate tax deductions.

CANCER (6/22-7/22):
If having a sense of belonging is that important to you, then go ahead and join the thousands who run in the annual Boston Marathon. In fact, give it your own twist by actually running to Boston.

LEO (7/23-8/22):
Rabbits, the favorite animal of the spring goddess Eastre, symbolize spring and new life. Celebrate spring and new life by admiring these beautiful creatures wherever you find them. We hear bunnies are plentiful at the Playboy Mansion.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22):
You have a talent for discriminating between what is useful and what is not. That’s why this month, when you declare National Lingerie Week useful and Straw Hat Week not, who can disagree?

LIBRA (9/23-10/22):
The second week in April, undoubtedly established by a Libra, is Harmony Week. Although it is admirable that you yearn to live Harmony Week each and every day by walking a mile in others’ shoes, this month it’s time to face the music, give back all those shoes you stole, and seek the help you really need.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21):
You have a built-in lie detector. That’s why you know that National Reading a Road Map Week, which is celebrated this month, is a hoax—you know NO ONE can read those unwieldy things, even when they are driving with their knees.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21):
In terms of anatomy, Sagittarius is said to rule the hips and thighs. Make this your month to work off all those chocolate rabbits, jelly beans, and Peeps you consumed last month during Easter.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19):
Since you value social order and boundaries, use this month to consider whether you really should be reading the Foolish Times on a regular basis.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18)
This month, your workplace creativity might be suppressed as some of the ideas you present at work are dismissed as impractical. But, persist in following your gut, knowing that U.S. Representative Robert Walker introduced April 26 as “Pretzel Day” to recognize “the invaluable contributions of numerous pretzel bakeries in Pennsylvania.” Hey, if he can tie himself into knots to get such a bill passed, surely you can get your boss to upgrade your 386-era computer.

PISCES (2/19-3/20)
In France, the recipient of an April Fool’s joke is called a “poisson d’avril” (fish of April), supposedly because an April fish is a young fish that can easily be caught. This holiday was traditionally celebrated by placing a dead fish on the back of friends. So, this April Fool’s, watch your back. Or should I say, wash your back?