Aries: Try not to ram into anything or anybody—especially not a Dodgers fan. (However, if you cause her to spill her beer, it could be good karma for the Giants.)
Taurus: Good job maintaining control of your temper last month, foolish Taurus. This month, step it up a notch: Do something not unkind for someone at least once a week. (You can work on outright kind acts next month.)
Gemini: You won’t figure out whether you’re Jekyll or Hyde this month (or perhaps ever…) but by month’s end you’ll realize you’re not feckle or snide.
Cancer: Try to walk forward, not sideways, for a change. Give it a shot, dear foolish crab. You’ll find that people will think you less insidiously malignant.
Leo: You were unsuccessful last month in refraining from roaring, so perhaps you should start with baby steps: This month, try to keep it down to a dull roar.
Virgo: A gentle reminder, foolish Virgo: Your sign does not reference the sound of an accelerating engine (i.e., it’s not vrrr…VRRR…VRRR!! GO!! ). Perhaps it would behoove you not to play so much with toy motorcycles.
Libra: Your intention to work for the liberation of Cuba is misguided. Might I remind you, it’s “Cuba libre,” not “Cuba Libra”? Lay off the rum and coke, and step up to the plate for a more worthy cause.
Scorpio: Excorpiation is far worse than excoriation. With the latter, your skin gets roughed up a bit; with the former, your whole body is destroyed. Take care not to obliterate yourself with overly aggressive zit-picking, now that you know where that might lead…
Sagittarius: Repeat this mantra daily: “Sagito ergo sum.” With practice, you will become a wiser Fool. (I promise!)
Capricorn: A fine mash of apricots and corn left unattended in a sunny spot for the duration of the month will ferment into a tasty nightcap by the time the World Series starts. Give this thought serious consideration. You may be in need of an apricot-and-corn nightcap, should the Giants end up in the Series against the Yankees. (You may need two or three nightcaps should the Giants find themselves in contention with the Angels.)
Aquarius: Aqua isn’t really your color, despite what your mother may think. Purple is your color. (But Mom’s right on one count: You do look truly awful in yellow.) And water isn’t really your drink, despite what your mother may wish. Vodka is your drink. Nonetheless, you’d be wise to practice moderation with both color and beverage.
Pisces: Swim, foolish fish, swim! Swim with determination and vigor, and you will soon be reunited with your daddy. (I promise!)
