November birthdays: Remember, change is inevitable. Unless you use a credit card.
ARIES (3/21-4/19): Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. You know what will make him even bigger? You, standing there trying to calm your fears with ancient sayings instead of running like hell.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Not only can water float a boat, it can sink it also. Also it can wash it. Also it can be used as a metaphor to mean something far beyond the interpretive abilities of one such as yourself.
GEMINI (5/21-6/21): If the roots are not removed during weeding, the weeds will grow again when the winds of Spring blow. Considering the winds we got in early October, however, I think it’s safe to say the roots are somewhere in the Pacific right about now.
CANCER (6/22-7/22): The mountains are high and the emperor is far away. This would be a good time to climb that mountain, without that pesky emperor telling you every single move to make.
LEO (7/23-8/22): Kissing is like drinking salted water: you drink and your thirst increases. It is also like eating a deep-fried turkey. You’ll need to serve a lot of water with that deep-fried turkey you’re planning to impress your Thanksgiving dinner guests with, American chef.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Nature gives us nuts, but does not crack them. This is your month to crack your nuts.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22): A prudent question is one-half of wisdom. Ah, but what does “prudent” mean? That is your task this month. To buy a dictionary and look up the meaning of “prudent.” Ah, but what is a “dictionary”? More half-wisdom to ponder!
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Remember, froth is not beer. If you want froth, visit the ocean. If you want beer, you’ll find a wonderful selection at the Crown and Anchor British Pub and Restaurant, 150 W. Franklin Street.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. Be not too afraid, however. Standing still enables you to take root. Taking root allows you to grow slowly. And you should never be afraid of growing slowly. Only of standing still.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): He who lies down with dogs gets up fleas. Let sleeping dogs lie. Love me, love my dog. I don’t know; something about dogs this month, Capricorn. Let me know when you find out.
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Life is like the moon, now full, now dark. Now white, now red. Now halved, now quartered. Now lovely, now craggy. Now being blasted with rockets from NASA at taxpayer expense. Yep. Good old Life.
PISCES (2/19-3/20): Lost time is never found again. So be sure to visit Gasper’s Jewelers to purchase a replacement timepiece for the one you lost. Mention the ad in this issue and get 20% off! Wish Gasper’s a “Happy Anniversary” and receive an additional 10% off! But hurry—offer is only good through December 31!
