ARIES (Mar. 22-Apr. 19): You don’t have to be as good this year as I requested you be last year. Just do your best not to pawn off any moldy pickles on innocent and hungry elderly people, or drive through a fast food joint at 100 mph without paying for the burger you forgot to pick up.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May20): Sorry, you over-stuffed and over-aggressive cow with a Y chromosome, but you need to be even better this year than you were last year. 2011 was not a great year for you, and seeing as how the world is scheduled to end on December 21, 2012, it would “behoove” you to be on your best behavior in order to reach the Promised Land. (And don’t paw the earth. She’s holy, and you should not deface her)
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Let your evil twin reveal himself. He may be able to teach you something unexpected and perhaps even delightfully twisted. But do untwist by December 21. It’s in your best eternal interest.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Just as there are many ways to skin a cat, there are also many ways to crack a crab. Those metal V-shaped contraptions with teeth work fairly decently most of the time, but they leave you bleeding serious salty slosh which is unbecoming to you. You belong to the only sign which turns orange when cooked. Be proud—it’s a SF Giants color.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Quit picking! If you use those claws of yours to pop your metaphorical zits, you’ll end up scarred.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): January, Spanuary … don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon, so don’t get your panties in a twist. (But do be sure to be wearing clean ones when it all ends on December 21.)
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Concentrate not on how you might help mankind deal with the end of the world, but rather upon your navel, which is the link to new life, and also contains some interesting linty-dust-bunnyish stuff that can be used to create unique collages..
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your natural compassion will serve you well as your neighboring Libri and Sagittarii kind of freak out as December approaches. Your soft voice and uplifting words will help launch them into the next realm without them noticing that they are ultimately doomed. But you need to start in on them early.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Unassuming and practical as you tend to be, I would advise you to take this last ditch opportunity to do something daring and outrageous this year. Go to a bowling alley and try to knock down all ten pins with a wooden bat and a baseball! Steal a rattle from a baby buggy and replace it with a live lobster. Open a can of sweet pickles at Safeway and replace the juice with toilet bowl cleaner. Live a little.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Nothing fazes you, not even impending death. Go ahead and live life to the hilt, just as you’ve always done. Everything will pretty much be the same for you this year as it has always been—a wild adventure with yet another exciting chapter on the horizon
PISCES: (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Relax. Chill. Soon you’ll be floating belly-up, so you may as well assume the position.
