SEPTEMBER Birthdays:
Wonder what Labor Day, Fall Hat Month, and Better Breakfast Month have in common with your September birthday? Well, you probably won’t labor much as you celebrate in your party hat, and you’ll certainly need to eat a better breakfast than leftover birthday cake.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
During the Financial Panic in September of 1873, the New York Stock Exchange closed for the first time due to a banking snafu. What would you, an Arian, do in the unlikely event that history repeats itself? Why, open your own Stock Exchange, of course, complete with chicken stock, beef stock, or anything else that makes a good stew base.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
Although you aren’t afraid of getting your hands dirty this Mold Awareness Month, you might want to invest in more than just rubber gloves. Some moldy leftovers in your fridge have recently become dangerously self-aware and are organizing a protest against Mr. Clean.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21):
Your communication skills reach new heights during Subliminal Communications Month when you suddenly, inexplicably, gain the power to beam messages directly to and from people’s subconscious. On the downside, reading the minds of the masses makes inane cell-phone chatter sound incredibly enlightening.

CANCER (6/22-7/22):
You really must guard against your flights of fantasy this month. The harsh reality is that no one will pay big bucks for your Atari 2600 this Video Games Day, even if you do throw in Donkey Kong for free.

LEO (7/23-8/22):
FYou greet this month’s Festival of the Vine with all of your usual enthusiasm, thoroughly enjoying both reds and whites. This enjoyment also leads you to enthusiastically greet all of the hobbits-apparently only visible to you-who’ve come out to celebrate Hobbit Day.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22):
Although it’s admirable that you refuse to become cynical in the face of adversity, don’t be naïve by thinking you’ll actually get through the traffic and make it to the gym before it closes on World Tourism Day.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22):
Ever the perfectionist, you’ll have no problems placing your periods, commas, or apostrophes this Punctuation Day. But, since it’s also Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month, please look the other way if you spot a typo or two in the Foolish Times-after all, whaddya want for nothin’?

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21):
As one of the most sensual signs, your love life really sizzles this Pleasure Your Mate Month. I would go on, but this is a G-rated publication.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21):
It’s a good thing you are happiest on the move because, as a result of our failing economy, leading to layoffs and outsourcing, you’ll need to take advantage of this Update Your Resume Month. But Suicide Prevention Week will prove challenging when out of 100 resumes submitted, only Jack in the Box calls you for an interview.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19):
Surprise those who’ve come to know your reliable nature this Wonderful Weirdoes Day. After all, you always have Build a Better Image Week to make up for replacing aunt Edna’s mud-pack facial mask with Play-Doh.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18):
This Metaphysical Awareness Month will appeal to your philosophical side. Make time to pursue spiritual enlightenment and to learn more about the general fundamental underlying principles of reality, which are basically that life sucks and then you die.

PISCES (2/19-3/20):
You often selflessly put others’ problems ahead of your own, but this month you can kill two birds with one very big stone. Instead of joining the Sierra Club this International Coastal Cleanup Day, start by picking up your empty beer cans in honor of International Self-Awareness Month.