December birthdays:
You already know this month is full of Christmas festivities. But did you know it also contains National Bouillabaisse Day, which comes from the Provençal Occitan words “bolhir,” meaning “to boil fish,” and “abaissar,” meaning “on your birthday”? So instead of cake, pick up some conger eel, mullet, and scorpion fish.

ARIES (3/21 - 4/19)
When everything is going too smoothly, you tend to seek new challenges, and this month is no exception. Waiting until December 25th to start your Christmas shopping will lead to interesting and surprising stocking stuffers like beef jerky, cigarettes, pork rinds, and anything else 7-Eleven sells.

TAURUS (4/20 - 5/20)
Taurus, you aren’t exactly an open book. But you can’t stay hidden in a Santa suit for the whole month. After all, you have to go to the bathroom sometime.

GEMINI (5/21- 6/21)
Your ruler, Mercury, was the messenger of the gods who darted back and forth across the heavens delivering news. This month, you are like the little elf on the shelf, appearing each day in a different place after discovering who has been naughty and nice. Funny, though, how YOU keep showing up in all the naughty places.

CANCER (6/22 - 7/22)
You are ruled by the moon, and like the moon you will experience many changing phases of emotions this month. Before you open each bright, shiny package, you will feel elated; after opening the second re-gifted present you gave to family members last year, you’ll wish you weren’t related.

LEO (7/23 - 8/22)
Like the three wise men, Leos experience three levels of soul evolution. The highest is the Sphinx, which represents wisdom. The second is the Lion, representing ego and protection. The third is the Lion Cub, representing immaturity and—oh, just give me the presents already!

VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22)
Virgo, when you shine, no other sign can match your inner light. But, when you decorate your home for the Christmas season, no other neighborhood can stand your outer light.

LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22)
December will find you living in some exotic, desirable locale, sipping eggnog, and finding life to be the joyful paradise you always envisioned. It will also find you shelling out more dough for rent than Santa does toys.

SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21)
You have the wisdom of all three wise men put together. Perhaps that’s why people flock to you this month in search of ways to achieve their ultimate desires. Either that, or it’s because you’re sitting in a mall surrounded by elves.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21)
Being exuberant, you love the month of December, a time when everyone is friendly, kind, and generous in heart as well as pocket. It’s all of the other months that the ill-mannered, self-centered, cheap morons make you want to spend at the North Pole.

CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19)
As a Capricorn, you understand that the longest journey begins with a single step. You also know that the longest checkout line while Christmas shopping begins with a single jerk who has 25 returns 12 days before Christmas.

AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18)
As a thinker, you tend to reflect upon the year’s successes and failures. But please note that, per the fine print, the Foolish Times cannot be held legally liable for previous Fool-o-Scope predictions: “The predictions of this Fool-o-Scope are fictitious and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.”

PISCES (2/19 - 3/20)
Your symbol of one fish heading upward and another pulling downward depicts how you are frequently torn between two pathways in life. I mean, you want to express holiday cheer by stringing up lights, but on the other hand, you want to express your holiday cheer by just lying around on the couch.