Two-By-Fours
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
The clerk said, “All right. How long do you need them?” The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
In the Supermarket
A man approached a beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman was confused. “Why?”

“Simple,” the man said. “Every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

the neutron
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

“How much do I owe you?” the neutron asks.

The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
The Anniversary
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee. “I’m just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?”

The wife is almost moved to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.

“Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’”

“I remember that, too,” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today.”

Safe to Swim
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”
This Week’s State Joke:
Mississippi
A senior in Mississippi said, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Mississippi.”

“Why’s that?” a friend asked.

“Because everything happens in Mississippi twenty years later than in the rest of the civilized world.”
This Week’s Irish Joke
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”