Turning chucklers to guffawers month by month.
The Pirate
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?” asks the sailor.
“I was swept overboard in a storm,” says the pirate. “A shark bit off me whole leg.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about the hook?”
“We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “And the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell in me eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
Said the pirate, “It was the first day with the hook.”
Duck Hunting in Texas
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence from where the lawyer was.
As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him just what the heck he thought he was doing.
The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “You just hold on a dadburn minute. This is my property, and thar’s no way yur comin’ over that thar fence.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own!
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Texas Three-Kick’ rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What’s the ‘Texas Three-Kick Rule’?”
The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, ‘till someone gives.”
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor, climbed the fence, and ambled up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s shins, causing him to hop on one foot. His second kick knocked the man right off his feet. With the lawyer flat on his back, the farmer’s third kick caused him to see stars.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No way, mister, I give up. You can have the duck!”
English Lesson
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but can’t touch. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
The Physical
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I can never remember where I park my car, where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there—if I do get there. So I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered, “Pay me in advance.”
