Potatoes
Well, a girl potato and boy potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of tater tots
Yam said not to worry, no spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys
from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries; and when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced
she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s
just…
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure? OK! Here it is!
A COMMONTATER!
Why Men Are Never Depressed
Men Are Just Happier People –
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Their last name stays put.
The garage is all theirs.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
They can be President.
They can never be pregnant.
They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
They can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell them the truth.
The world is their urinal.
They never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
They don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at their chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle their feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
They know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
They can open all your own jars.
They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite them, he or she can still be your friend.
Their underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
They almost never have strap problems in public.
They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes..
Everything on their face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
They only have to shave your face and neck.
They can play with toys all their life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
They can wear shorts no matter how their legs look.
They can ‘do’ thier nails with a pocket knife.
They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Throw Fifi From the Train
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, “Ma’am, please move your dog. I need that seat.”
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there?” I’m very tired.
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant!”
The American didn’t say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The women shrieked and railed and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”
Proper Guilt
Sal Wallenstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself!”
“While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV’s; you will have to change her colostomy bag every three hours; she will have to be spoon fed three times a day and don’t forget the hygiene care.”
The man broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said, “I’m just messing with you. She’s dead.
What’d you shoot?”
