This Month’s Blonde Joke
A blonde girl walks into the salon wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut. The hair stylist looks and says, “You’ll need to take off the headphones first.”

“If I take them off, I’ll die,” the girl replies.

For a while the stylist struggles around the headphones but it’s no use. Again she asks the girl to remove the headphones.

“If I take them off, I’ll die,” the blonde responds again.

The stylist continues trying to cut around the headphones but she’s getting really frustrated by now. She decides to take the headphones off for her, gently so the girl doesn’t notice. As soon as the headphones are removed, the blonde girl drops to the floor and dies.

The stylist can’t believe it. Amazed, she picks up the headphones and holds them up to her ears, and listens: “Breathe in….breathe out….breathe in….”

Perfect Logic
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not interested in fishing, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies.

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” said the Warden as he left.

The Argument
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I’m going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, “It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

“Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God said, “Jesus saves.”
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.

She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

Silly Jokes for Younger Readers

Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!

Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!

Q: What do you call a man who doesn’t sink?
A: Bob!

Q: What do you call a rodent with a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!

Q: What do monsters make with cars?
A: Traffic jam!

Q: Why did the pony cough?
A: He was a little hoarse!

Q: What do sheep do on sunny days?
A: Have a baa-baa-cue!

Q: Where do aliens keep their sandwiches?
A: In a launch box!

Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
A: Count Spatula!

Q: Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with!

Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
A: Flatman and Ribbon!

Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A: A buccaneer!