Jonah and the Whale
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

Bubba and the Yankee
Bubba applied for a job at a factory in Alabama. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, it turned out that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Yankee the job.”
Bubba asked: “Why are you givin’ him the job? We both got nine questions right. This bein’ Alabama and me bein’ a Southern boy, I should get the job!”
The manager said: “We based our decision not on the correct answers, but, rather, on the one question you both missed.”
Bubba then asked: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
The manager replied: “Bubba, it’s like this. On question No. 4 the Yankee put down, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I’.”

Pecans in the Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here, quick!” said the boy. “You won’t believe what I heard! Satan and God are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said, “Beat it, kid. Can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk?” When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see?”
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute, then said, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?”
“It tell me you dumber than dirt. Somebody stole tent!”

This Month’s Senior Joke
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”