The very latest jokes (note that, in some instances, “latest” means “deadest”)

This Month’s Senior Joke
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. She didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!”

God Is Watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray. It read, “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Further down the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written another note. It read, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

“Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad”

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

“Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie”

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

“Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie”

The Best Short Joke of the Day
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. “Mom,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” she replied.

Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “crazy” then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was “crazy” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, “What in the name of heaven are you doing?”

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, “And where do you think you’re going?!”

She said, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

One Question Too Many
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for awhile and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”