The Bottle and the Bomb
Once upon a… plane there were three people flying to New York. They had been flying for so long and were beginning their descent.

“Excuse me, I have a bottle, what should I do with it?” asked one of them to the flight attendant.

“Oh, just throw it out the window,” said the flight attendant.

“Okay,” said the person, throwing the bottle out the window.

Another person stopped the attendant.

“Excuse me, I have a bottle, what should I do with it?” asked the person.

“Oh, just throw it out the window,” said the flight attendant.

“Okay,” said the person, throwing it out the window.

The last person stopped the flight attendant.

“Excuse me, I have a bomb, what should I do with it?” asked the last person.

“Oh, just throw it out the window,” said the flight attendant.

“Okay,” said the person as he threw the bomb out the window.

Once they had landed, the people met a woman crying.

“What’s wrong?” asked one of them.

“I was walking with my baby when a bottle came down and hit my baby in the head.”

They came across another woman who was crying for the same reason.

Then they came across a man who was laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asked one of them.

“I was walking down the street and I farted and the building behind me blew up,” said the man, laughing.

—by Trevor Wason

A Radio Conversation
A radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities…

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States’ Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North, that’s ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Husband-and-Wife Conversation
This guy’s wife asks, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?” and he replies, “Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, so I guess I would.”

She then asks, “If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?” and he replies, “We’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it.
I’m not going to get rid of my house, so I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?” and he says, “That bed is brand new. We just paid two thousand dollars for it, and it’s going to last a long time, so I guess she would.”

So she asks, “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”

“Oh no,” he says, “she’s left-handed.”

At the Pearly Gates
A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered.

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter turned to the lawyer: “Name them.”
The Balloonist
A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“Yes I do,” replies the man. “And how did you know that?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must work in management.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect my immediate help. You’re in the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my fault!”
This Month’s Lawyer Joke
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn’t even notice your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my gaaaad…” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. “Where’s my Rolex?!”

The Tourist
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.

“These, senor,” replied the waiter in broken English, “are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today.”

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, “These testicles…are much smaller than the ones I had last night.”

“Yes, senor,” replied the waiter. “You see…the bull, he does not always lose.”