Some good jokes with a couple of so-so jokes thrown in to fill space.
The Hangover
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”
“Well, Dad, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh, THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!”
Park Politics
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, “All politicians are idiots.”
A man sitting next to him says, “I take offense to that!”
The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”
“No,” he replies, “I’m an idiot.”
“Pertection”
A young redneck goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist, “I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them condoms gonna cost me?”
The pharmacist responds, “A three-pack is $4.99 with tax.”
“TACKS?” the redneck says. “Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by theirselves?”
Marijuana-Filled Firewood
“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report ‘bout my neighbor Virgil Smith… He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff’s deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.
“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd… Did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep!”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”
—submitted by Ron de Tuna
Check-Out
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator. On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
A Visit to Tiffany’s
A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little “accident,” she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to crap when I tell you the price.”
A Tap on the Shoulder
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
Walking the Dog
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad, said, “Bring Belle over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, “OK, you can walk her now, but her Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block. Another dog is pushing her home.”
