Little Old Lady
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. When he stopped, she stopped.Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and said to him, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”

He answered, “That’s okay.”

“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out ‘Good bye, Mom’ as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into her day, he went to pay for his groceries.

“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.

“How come so much?” the young man said. “I only bought five items.”

The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”

It Happened on 101
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the interstate. Please be careful!”

“Heck,” said Herman, “it’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

The Prayer
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

The Three Little Pigs Revisited
One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, “…and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’”

The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said, “I know, I know! He said, ‘Holy crap! A talking pig!’”

College Fines
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions

A male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

The Accident
There once was a man and woman who got into a terrible car accident. Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, neither was hurt.

In thankfulness, the woman said to the man, “We’re both okay, so we should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car. Let’s open it.” So the woman got the bottle out of the car and handed it to the man.

The man took a really big drink and handed the woman the bottle. The woman closed the bottle and put it down.
The man asked, “Aren’t you going to take a drink?”

The woman replied, “No, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to get here.”

A Discussion About the Human Body
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

The second said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The third said, “It had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Polish Joke
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and says to the bartender, “Hey, I got this great Polish joke.”

The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: “Before you go telling that joke, you better know that I’m Polish, both bouncers are Polish, and so are most of my customers.”

“Okay, okay,” says the customer. “I’ll tell it very slowly.”

The Fishing Trip
A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We’re leaving from the office and I’ll swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And would you please pack my new blue silk pajamas?”

The wife thought this sounded a bit fishy but, being the good wife, she did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.

He said, “Yes, lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?”

The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box.”