The Ring
An older gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man. “But let me tell you about my weekend!”
The New Doctor
The doctor who had been seeing a 70-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”
“Yes, they help me to sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!”
Norwegian Love Story
Ole and Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota. It vas springtime, and da lakes vas yust beginning to thaw.
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”
So she valked across, got da smokes at da yeneral store, den valked back home across da lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Vhy didn’t you yust give me some money?”
Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit any money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas.”
Ralph and Edna
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.
“The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
This Month’s Irish Joke
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one—just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie. “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really,” said Charles. “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you flaming eejit.”
This Month’s Blonde Joke
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings for a total of $200.
The blonde decides to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette finds the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, “All right, then, I’ll give you a great deal. How about $199?”
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1 left and goes to send the telegram.
The telegram guy says, “It’s $1 per word.”
The brunette thinks about this and says, “Comfortable.”
“That’s the word you want me to send?” he asks. “Comfortable?”
“Yes,” the brunette says. “You see, she reads slow.”
