The Mechanic and His Dog
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn’t find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and sang out loudly, proclaiming…
“A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!”

This Month’s Blond Joke
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
He begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the door. This nun says, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.”
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign. It reads:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, SINNER.

The Wailing Wall
In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. “I’m from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall.”

The Commandment
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

The Lesson
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “’Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

The Rules
A macho man married a good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want—and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
“I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
“I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
“Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said: “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”