A couple of good jokes, with some so-so jokes thrown in to fill space.
Barber Shop
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About two hours.”
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About three hours.”
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.”
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes, and said, “Your house.”
A Picture of God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
The Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-pound weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me!”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next 4 days and the same thing happens. On the 5th day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find that he has lost 10 pounds as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20-pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his entire life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me!”
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. The woman is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next 4 days, the same routine happens, with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the 5th day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 pounds as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50-pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock on the door. When he opens it, he finds a huge, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you’re mine.”
He lost 63 pounds that week.
The Half-Wit
A man owned a small farm in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farmhand who’s been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
“Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to—the half-wit,” says the agent.
“That would be me,” replied the farmer.
—submitted by Ron de Tuna
This Month’s Senior Joke
Two very elderly friends, Max and Ralph, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems. One day Ralph didn’t show up. Max didn’t think much about it, figuring maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Ralph hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Max really got worried. He could not remember where Ralph lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to his friend. A month passed and Max figured old Ralph had gone to his heavenly reward. But one day Max went to the Park and, lo and behold, there sat Ralph.
Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, “For crying out loud, Ralph, what happened to you?”
Ralph replied, “I’ve been in jail.”
“Jail!” cried Max! “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Ralph said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we get coffee sometimes?”
“Yea,” said Max. “What about her?”
“Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that when I got into court, I pled guilty! And the judge took a good look at me and gave me thirty days for perjury.”
The Lesson
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “’Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
