The Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar, and ordered a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“One cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice, juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
“A nickel,” the barman replied.
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied, “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”
This Month’s Blonde Joke
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as an odd-jobber and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the man asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Pulled Over
A state trooper pulled a car over on US 75 about two miles north of the Texas state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Ft. Worth to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him—then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
The driver told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got five flares, lit them, and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Oklahoma got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door, and got in.
The trooper observed him and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me on to jail, ‘cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
Breaking the News
A man goes on a two-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls to check on things. “So how is my cat doing?” he asks.
His brother says, “He’s dead.”
“Dead?” the first brother says. “What do you mean, dead? I loved that cat! Couldn’t you have thought of a nicer way to tell me? I’m coming home in three days. You could have broken the news easier. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could have told me, ‘Well, we found her, but she’s up on the roof, and we’re having trouble getting her down.’ Then when I called you from the airport you could have told me, ‘The fire department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground’.”
The second brother thought all of this over, then said, “I’m sorry…you’re right…that was insensitive of me. I won’t let it happen again.”
“All right, all right, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?”
“She’s up on the roof, and we’re having trouble getting her down.”
Candle
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. “I’m going on a sabbatical to Rome,” the priest replied, “and while I’m there, I’ll light a candle for you.”
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple’s house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
“He’s gone to Rome,” came the harried reply, “to blow that candle out”
What in the World?
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded up against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know how every day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes,” he replied.
“Well, today I didn’t do it!”
