This Month’s Blonde Joke
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, “Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, “Well, little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?” The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he grinds his car to a stop, he sees a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature, and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby are seven more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration:
“DAMN! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

The Mechanic and His Dog
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn’t find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and sang out loudly, proclaiming…
“A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!”

The Delivery
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

The Picture
The schoolchildren had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
This Month’s Senior Joke
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.”
The Talking Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that crap.”

The Patrolman’s Surgery
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his midsection.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the following sentence:
“Get well soon… from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

One More Senior Joke
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied. “Arthritis.”