The Drink
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, “What’cha gonna do about it?”The poor little guy starts crying.

“Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time,” the biker says. “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right.

“I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

“When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance.

“I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

“So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life-and then you show up and drink the damn poison.”
The Drunk
A man and his wife were sitting at a table at the man’s high school reunion. The man kept staring at a drunken woman swigging drink after drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

The wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” the man sighed. “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” said the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
The Answer
A nutritionist addressing a large audience in Chicago said, “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake.”

The Woman at the Bar
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender, who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies’ room.”
The Lawyer
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another of whom has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So… if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

The Fight
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one-just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie. “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really,” said Charlie. “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

“She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken’.”

Positives and Negatives
A teacher is explaining to her class how different languages use negatives differently. She says, “In all languages, a positive followed by a negative or a negative followed by a positive makes a negative. In some languages, two negatives together make a positive, while in others they make a negative. But in no language do two positives make a negative.”

One of the students puts up his hand and says, “Yeah, right.”