Freshly coined jokes, with a few encore presentations sprinkled in.

Under the Table
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.” The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

This Month’s Blonde Joke
A blonde’s car gets a flat tire on the interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them, and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed-up.
Soon a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde, yelling, “What’s going on here?”
“My car broke down, Officer,” says the woman, calmly.
“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” he asks.
“Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.

The Elderly Woman and the Burglar
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (“Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.”)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “I thought she said she had an axe and two .38’s!”

Shirley
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai Hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?” God said, “No, you have another thirty to forty years to live.”
When she woke up, she figured that since she had another thirty to forty years, she might as well make the most of it, and had some “work” done right there in the hospital: collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction, and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair.
The very day she walked out of the hospital she was struck by a car and killed. She arrived before God and said, “I thought you said I had another thirty to forty years!”
“Shirley?” God asked. “I didn’t even recognize you!”

The Sandbox
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee. He was told by his mother to always be polite and don’t talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says, “Will you excuse me? I have to go powder my nose.” And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, “Did you powder your nose?”
“Yes,” said the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox.
“Well, then,” says the little girl, “you’d better close your purse, because your lipstick is hanging out.”

The Good Ole Boys
Two good ole boys were sitting around in the trailer park talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first guy says to second, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it sure would make us even.”

Truck Theft
A redneck came running into the store to tell his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
“Didja see who it was?” Bubba asked.
“Couldn’t tell,” the man answered. “But I got the license number.”