Cannibal Fruit
One day there were three friends in a forest. They were walking around when they were captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals hit them on the top of the head with a rock. It made the three friends unconscious.

When they woke up they were in a part of the forest they had never seen. There were houses in the trees and there was blood on the ground and heads of people hanging on some of the houses. They looked up and were startled to see five men standing in front of them. The closest spoke first.

“If you want to live you must go in the forest and bring back ten of one fruit,” said the man. So they set out in different directions looking to find the fruit that they wanted to bring back.

The first one found ten apples and brought them back. The big man spoke again. “Now that you have your fruit you must stick them into your rear end without making any facial expressions.”

The first one went straight in, but on the second one he winced in pain and was eaten.

Not too long later the second one came back with ten berries. After the cannibals explained what he had to do he started. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… After the eighth one he burst out laughing. The cannibals closed in on him and ate him.

Up in heaven the second friend met up with the first.

“What happened?” asked the first one. “You almost had it.”

“I couldn’t help it,” said the second. “I saw the other guy coming with pineapples.”

—by Trevor Wason

63 and Pregnant
A 63-year-old woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a new young doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor’s room.

“What the heck’s wrong with you?” he demanded. “This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
Medicare Coverage in a Nutshell
The phone rings, and the lady of the house answers, “Hello.”

“Mrs. Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s, and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”

“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

Old Friends
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman
A man answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young salesman. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” the man said. “I haven’t got any money! I’m broke!” and he proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young salesman wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to the man’s hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The man stepped back and said, “Well, I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand!!??”

The Wal-Mart Cat
A blond was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Wal-Mart.

Why Wal-Mart?

HELLOOOOOOOOO!?

Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in the world!!!

The Three Sisters
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and mutters, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, KNOCK ON WOOD.” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”