Hillbilly Birth
Deep in the backwoods, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I’m doing!”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down, there’s another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. “No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s another one coming!” cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and said, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
R.I.P.
A funeral director asked a young minister to hold a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. It was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
The minister was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, he did not ask for directions. He finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The backhoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
The minister apologized to the workers for being late. As he looked into the open grave, he saw the vault lid already in place. He told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
The young minister poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” The minister got so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to Revelation.
When the service was over, he walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”
Buy Everyone a Drink
A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!” The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells “CHEERS!” and downs their drinks.
The bartender says “That’ll be $37.50.”
The drunk says, “I don’t have any money!”
This infuriates the bartender, who jumps over the bar and beats the living daylights out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, “I’d like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too.” The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.
He makes the drinks and they all say, “Salute!” and down the drinks. The bartender says, “That’ll be $42.50.”
The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, “I don’t have any money!”
This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the heck out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, “Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?”
The drunk replies, “No way, you get violent when you drink!”
Assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director,” said his wife.
Are We Poisonous?
Two snakes are out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake and asks, “Mommy, are we poisonous?”
“Why, yes we are,” says the second.
Again the baby snake asks, “Are you sure we’re poisonous?”
“Yes, we are very poisonous.”
The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, “Are we really, really poisonous?”
“Yes, we are really, really poisonous. In fact, we’re the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?”
“I just bit my lip!”
