Missing Husband
A lady calls the police to report her husband missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, with wavy blonde hair and a smile that charms everyone.

The police then go to the next-door neighbor to verify this report. The lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4, bald, and wears a perpetual frown.”

Later, the next-door neighbor goes and asks the lady why she gave such a false report.

She replies, “Just because I reported him missing doesn’t mean I want him back!”
The Farmer
A farmer named Bill had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning him.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?” asked the lawyer.

Bill responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Bill said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Bill’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”

Bill thanked the judge and proceeded.

“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and did the humane thing.

“Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

“Now,” Bill asked the lawyer, “what the hell would YOU say?”
Anniversary
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.”

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. “Pardon me,” one of them said, “but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy says, “Well, Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday when . . .”

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re out of here.”
The Hit Man
Arty was a real loser. Every job and every idea he ever had turned out wrong. He thought, if I go into business for myself, maybe, just maybe I can do well.

He thought and he thought-what could he do? Then it came to him-he would be a hit man.

The next day he put a classified ad in the newspaper reading, “I will be your hit man. Give me a call and I will rub out anyone you want.”

Well, that very day, Arty received his first call. The caller asked if it were true that Arty would indeed kill anyone, and Arty assured him that was the case.

The man told Arty he wanted his wife killed. Arty said, “Fine, but how much will you pay me?”

The man replied, “$1.”

Arty said, “No way.”

The man replied, “Take it or leave it.”

Arty thought it over and figured he could use the practice, so he said, “Okay, where can I find your wife?”

The man said, “In the produce department at Food-Mart. Every day at four o’clock she’s there complaining about the produce.”

Sure enough, Arty goes to Food-Mart and there she is, in the produce department, complaining about the fruit being either too hard or too soft.

Arty waits till just the right moment, then he jumps out and puts his hands around her neck. But he’s not quick enough, and she lets out a scream. The manager of the produce department sees what’s happening and calls out. So Arty forgets the man’s wife and lunges instead at the manager, trying to choke him. But another lady sees what’s happening and screams. So Arty forgets the manager and goes after her. By this time, everyone’s running toward Arty, so he says “Forget it!” and dashes out of the supermarket.

He is captured a block away.

The next day the newspaper headline read, “ARTY CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR AT FOOD-MART!”
Bedside Manners
Susie’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day.

One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

“You know,” he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, “you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got mugged, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.”

She stroked his hand.

“Do you know what I’ve truly, deeply realized?” he asked.

“What, dear?” she replied, smiling to herself.

“You’re bad luck.”