FoolishTimes

Editors Note - November 08

Mike T. — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:45:50 +0000

What a time of turmoil-presidential election, escalating fuel prices, roiling stock market, the Colts fighting for a wild card spot. Verily, the last days are upon us. But one thing you can count on in these foolish times is Foolish Times. In this issue Tim Ehlerding talks about presidential mud-slinging; Sheila Moss reports on the [...]

Fool Laughs - November 08

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:37:46 +0000

Ghost Story An out-of-state traveler was hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly [...]

So It Goes - Kitesurfing

Jason Love — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:35:33 +0000

Guys will do anything for a rush: jump out of airplanes, skate on handrails, ride animals that clearly prefer to be left alone. Boys will spin in circles until they black out and collapse (nature’s way of preparing them for keg parties). Some turn into junkies. You’ll find them on the bungee bridge pleading with management: [...]

The Gas Crisis

Sheila Moss — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:34:26 +0000

A few weeks ago we had a gasoline crisis in the area. The media reported that we are on a major pipeline that brings oil from the Gulf. The report mentioned there could be about 25% less flowing because some oil refineries still are not back to normal since Gustav. Immediately phones started ringing, people started [...]

The Flossing of America

Giosue’ Santarelli — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:30:43 +0000

In the era of high economic uncertainty, there is one product that is head and shoulders above the others in the “more for the money” category. Dental floss is a bargain! The top-of-the-line high-quality floss is $3.98 for 100 yards of the stuff. Better yet, you can get good-quality generic floss for less than $2 [...]

Sick of Sitcoms

L. Dustin Twede — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:30:31 +0000

I have decided to stop watching television sitcoms. There seems to be a common theme running through each of them that just doesn’t sit well with me. The writers of these sitcoms must all drink the same brand of creative formula, because whenever they spit something up, it pretty much all looks and smells the [...]

March to a Different Drumstick

Mary Tompsett — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:29:06 +0000

Let the holidays begin! Thump. CRASH! Ow, ow, owie!! That was the sound of drop-kicking the bathroom scale into the garage until January. Remind me next time not to kick it while wearing sandals. Thanksgiving-a holiday to appreciate family, friends, love, elastic waistbands. Even as I write this, tears of nostalgia are flushing the crud from [...]

Fool-O-Scope - November 08

Clair Voyant — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:25:52 +0000

NOVEMBER birthdays: In the first feast, the pilgrims didn’t have mashed potatoes because many Europeans thought the newly discovered potato was poisonous. Boy, were they dumb. Don’t be a pilgrim, enjoy your birthday feast! ARIES (3/21-4/19): Your competitive nature often places you first in everything, and this Thanksgiving is no exception: You will be the first one [...]

The Expiration Date - A Hallmark Commercial

Robyn Justo — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:20:20 +0000

My comments and opinions have been rather brutal regarding dating sites, but I have always secretly hoped to hear one of those success stories (something I could personally relate to and not a contrived Eharmony infomercial showing those goofy people who look like brother and sister and probably are). So let me start at the beginning. A [...]

Best of The Inbox - November 08

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:15:02 +0000

Investment Tips With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros. and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground [...]

Adventures With Rex - Bushes

Tom Burns — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:10:15 +0000

My plans for that sunny fall Saturday were to plant some new azalea bushes along the back fence and then get up on the roof and patch the fireplace flashing at the roofline with some black goopy stuff. But first, the azaleas. I remembered my last attempt at planting azaleas in the back yard-Rex had evidently [...]

Mud and Presidential Hopefuls: A Solution

Guest Columnist — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:09:19 +0000

I’ve got it! As you read this, more mud is being slung in this Presidential race than at a demolition derby in rural Indiana. The earth recently excavated at our grade school’s new gymnasium pales compared to the dirt getting dug up by today’s political parties. More filth, more muck, and more grime is being slung [...]

Tonys Ticklers - The Gambler

Tony Deakin — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:07:23 +0000

A man walked into a bar one day and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.” He pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. Well, the bartender couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” he couldn’t help but ask. [...]

Jason The Fool - Anniversary

Jason Offutt — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:06:32 +0000

There was something wrong that Sunday morning as my family and I sat in church. I just didn’t know what. The something wrong wasn’t because I sweat like a coal shoveler every time I step into a church-I’ve finally come to terms with that. I sweat because of all the candles, or the stain glass magnifying [...]

A Slight Edge Over Madness

Rosie Sorenson — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:05:24 +0000

It’s gotten so bad lately, what with the conflagration in our economy, the mess in Iraq, and the startling arrival of that moose-eating, beauty-pageant-smiling humanoid, that I’ve taken to making animal noises. Cow noises, in particular. You know-for those occasions when words don’t care enough to send the very best? I discovered quite by accident one [...]

Sammon Says - Mounted Heads

John Sammon — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:04:08 +0000

A bizarre event I covered as a reporter a few years back was a big-game-hunting convention in Reno, Nevada. Two celebrities were there, former president George Bush (senior), and General Norman Schwarzkopf, commander of Desert Storm. Held every year, the convention promotes the hunting of exotic game, animals you may never of heard of, because they’re [...]

Editors Note - October 2008

Mike T. — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:05:15 +0000

Sometimes, in the course of putting together an issue, you find a theme presenting itself. Cell phones ended up playing a role in three of our stories. So—hold on, I’m getting a text message. Okay. Sorry. In this issue we have a variety of stories that include—just a second, that’s my cell. Sorry. Okay. Wait, [...]

The Head Fool Speaks - What Writers Do You Like?

Mike M. — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:04:07 +0000

HELP! Better yet, help us help you or help you help us or something like that. Thanks to you, our readers, and the response you’ve given our advertisers, we’ve doubled in size since our first issue. Our circulation has tripled and we’re working our butts off. It’s time to do some repair work on this [...]

So It Goes - Growing Up

Jason Love — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:01:56 +0000

My folks had me the old-fashioned way: on accident. It didn’t come as a total surprise because they were both taking a fertility drug called Budweiser. “Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause and subsequently complicate pregnancy.” Mom strollered me around as one might the Stanley Cup, announcing my age to strangers: “He’s 52 months, 3 days, 42 [...]

I SO Want to be Michael Phelps

Rosie Sorenson — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 20:59:22 +0000

I SO want to be Michael Phelps. Oh, not because he’s a demon swimmer, but because he gets to eat 12,000 calories a day! Has to! Every day! That’s close to what I eat in a week! Can you imagine the guilt-free, unrestrained pig-outs? The unlimited Kentucky Fried Chicken, the chocolate cake, the blueberry muffins, the [...]