The Monterey Peninsula is well known as “the golf capital of the world.” Yet even in these parts there are players who ignore many basic rules of golf etiquette. I present the following reminders for your next trip to Pebble Beach:
If someone is playing alone, etiquette requires you to invite them to join your group. Etiquette also requires you to let them hit first, to carry their bag for them, and to make their next mortgage payment.
If the players in front of you are dawdling, it is considered rude to tell them to hurry up. However, you can discreetly encourage faster play by lying down on the fairway and pretending to sleep. Another tactic I have had success with is watching television in a recliner.
It is polite to help another player find their ball. It is impolite to make jokes about how they have no balls or can’t find their own balls.
When someone yells “Fore!” be sure to walk over and thank them for the warning. Don’t get carried away—a nice Hallmark card or fruit basket will suffice.
Your preshot routine may or may not include parallel bars and a marching band, but it is boorish to carry on for longer than 15 minutes.
Always try to fix ball marks by using your ball mark repair tool. If grass blades are broken, use your grass blade repair tool as well. If you don’t have one, good manners requires you to hold the broken blades together until they are once again fused by Nature.
If hitting from a deeply furrowed trap, etiquette dictates that you furrow your eyebrows in kind. If another player is not furrowing, remind them politely, or, after they have taken their shot, produce the Polaroid that clearly shows them not furrowing. Do not be surprised if they furrow their eyebrows the remainder of the day.
If your ball is lost, you may assemble a search party composed of the town’s finest citizens, but it is considered a breach of etiquette to send them home without dinner.
Never drive your golf cart across the green. The green should be treated with reverence. You may kneel and pray, but your knees must be protected with knee pads (you can get them in the pro shop). Repair knee marks with your knee mark repair tool.
If someone is taking practice swings in your peripheral vision while you are preparing to tee off, you may fire a gentle warning shot near the left ear (though not the right, which is considered coarse). If they continue to distract you, wound them good-naturedly in the left shoulder (though not the right, which is considered coarse).
It is rude to walk across someone’s putting line on the green. If someone steps across your line, you may give the line a gentle tug to affably trip them. Remember to repair the chin mark afterward with your chin mark repair tool.
After you finish a shot from a bunker, use the rake to groom the sand back to its preshot condition. Some planters and a tasteful wall hanging will also be appreciated.
Be sure to watch the shot of every golfer in your group. It is considered courteous. To be extra courteous, follow them home and stare at them through the window.
If you lip the cup while putting, be sure to wipe up after yourself so that the next player will not catch your germs.
Proper etiquette dictates that you repair your divot and twenty others. The grounds crew will thank you for keeping them from having to work too hard.
If you lose your temper after a bad shot, you must calm yourself down, for tantrums are considered ungentlemanly. Count to ten. Go for a drive. Get out your woodworking project.
Using swear words on the golf course is uncouth in the extreme. If you will notice, players such as Tiger Woods, just to be safe, never use any words beginning with the letters “d,” “s,” or “f.”
It is crass to belch, spit, or break wind on the golf course. If you absolutely must, dash back to your car and roll the windows up. Do all three simultaneously in the interests of speedy play.
If you make a new friend on the golf course, present them with your clubs as a parting gift. I have lost many sets this way, and it is an honor and a privilege to be fitted for new ones every week.
In general, conduct yourself on the golf course as you would at your boss’s house. Keep mostly quiet, put things back where you got them, and don’t snoop in the medicine cabinet.