Editor’s Note: The limerick wars between Foolish Times fan Kiri and Gene, Gene, the Limerick Machine continue. Last month we printed Kiri’s response to Gene’s anti-Barry Zito limerick; this month Gene responds. For those who don’t know, Barry Zito is a pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. Well, Kiri thinks so, but Gene thinks otherwise. Anyway, to see the previous limericks, check out the website.

Dear Kiri,

You must know that was written last year
When we were all shedding a tear
But you must surely admit
He’s not worth a s**t
for 19 million a year

Yes, he won a Cy Young
but then he was very young
He’s not the great pitcher of lore
He’s just pitcher number 4
and his signing was really just bung

Lincecum, Cain, and Randy
have made our staff just dandy
Johnson took off the heat
So Barry can compete
And not be just Sabean’s eye candy

Go Giants!

-Gene, Gene, the Limerick Machine

Editor’s Note: Apparently a Foolish Times reader named Kiri took exception to a limerick by Gene, Gene, the Limerick Machine, printed in last month’s issue. We printed it as one of our “best of” limericks (it’s from a few years back), but Kiri thinks otherwise. We’re printing it again below, with Kiri’s response. Let the Limerick Wars begin!

There once was a pitcher named Zito
The Giants thought he was neato
They paid out big bucks
For an arm that just sucks
And now their season’s finito
-Gene Gene the Limerick Machine

Dear Gene,

Your limerick dissed a great pitcher,
‘cuz Zito is no belly itcher
Sure, his fast ball is slow
but I’d like you to know
It could still knock your ass in a ditch, sir.

My intent, Gene, is not disrespect
but there are factors you seem to neglect
Zito won a Cy Young
and that puts him among
Elite players we fans can’t reject.

I admit Zito’s had two bad years,
but he’s making good now, it appears
Giants sit second-place
in the NL West race
and soon Dodger Blue will shed tears.
-Kiri

Inauguration

We’ve voted ourselves a new Prez
and mostly we like what he sez
but what can he do
with a human zoo
of people who think in low-res?

The zoo is, of course, our Congress
unlikely to lose its fondness
for pork over beef
and the firm belief
that others created the mess

“Others,” of course, are all those
in the party which each must oppose
lest the rascals win
raid the money bin
and water their foul-smelling rose

But perhaps this time each will see
the culprit’s not “they,” but is “thee”
thy one-sided ways
instead of forays
onto paths where “they” become “we”

We do know that Spring, Winter, Fall
(and Summer, of course) never stall
for millions of years
they’ve synchronized gears
so that each has its part in the All

So maybe a seasonal way
can replace political fray
and then truly build
a four-season guild
that crafts good tomorrows each day
—Sir Henry de Tunahuna

When the gardener wakes to the dawn
He thinks not of the night that is gone
But of weeding today
In the usual way
And the joy of mowing a lawn
-Sir Henry de Tunahuna
Read the rest of this article »

Fat Mary ( to Larry), “Why do we tarry?
“Our love is so firm, we must marry!”
Said Larry (to Mary)
“That’s really scary
for you, ‘cross the threshold, to carry!”
-Sir Henry de TunahunaAnd three by David Rasch: Read the rest of this article »

A young man thought himself quite amusing
But his opinion was of his own choosing.
He was really a prude
Who never talked lewd,
And eventually took to the boozing.
-Birdman Read the rest of this article »

There once was a pitcher named Zito
The giants thought he was neato
They paid out big bucks
For an arm that just sucks
And now their season’s finito Read the rest of this article »

Brought to you by people with really strange names (evidently their parents didn’t love them very much).

There once was a lonely gyrene
Who whiffed some fatal phosgene.
He’d run out of luck
He’d forgotten to duck,
It is what happens when people get mean.
—Birdman

There is a fine man name of Gene
Who is a virtual limerick machine.
He praises musicians
And pillories politicians,
With his rhymes surprising clean.
—Birdman

Lest you think that man is a clown
Please note he has a big frown
Tho’ his nose is Big Red
His smile is dead
And his mouth is, alas, curling down
—Sir Henry de Tunahuna

While penning a new form of schtick
The bard became pale and got sick
The upchuck he threw
From yesterday’s stew
Spilled into this little limerick
—Sir Henry de Tunahuna

Brought to you by people with really strange names (evidently their parents didn’t love them very much).

There was a musician named Marotta
If you never heard him play you oughta
Plays music with ease
On the box that you squeeze
And he learned it all from his faddah
— Gene, Gene, the Limerick Machine Read the rest of this article »

‘Tis now one of those election years,
The ones that drive us to tears.
The founders would say
Must they do it this way
With the shouting, the lies, and the smears?
— Gene, Gene, the Limerick Machine Read the rest of this article »

Let us pity the plight of fool Thomas
who forgot to put on pajamas.
He sleepwalked at night,
Gave the neighbors a fright,
And now is in jail in Clackamas. Read the rest of this article »

I went to the dentist at one.
It certainly wasn’t much fun.
He reached in my mouth
and went too far south
and now my appendix is gone.
—MG

No zebras did board Noah’s ark;
Only horses, two white, and two dark.
But for forty black nights
There were no bedroom lights
Which caused zebras galore to disbark!
—Anonymous (he’s baaa-aaack)

A dashing and speedy neutrino
passed thru a cellar of vino
so he/she turned around
and she/he settled down
in a Julien ‘99 Pinot.
—Sir Henry de Tunahuna

Brought to you by Anonymous or others who re only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves.

“I’ve something to tell you, Mike.”
It’s something you probably won’t like.
I’ve stayed up at night
Trying my best to write
But my brain seems to be on strike.
— GP Read the rest of this article »

Brought to you by Anonymous or others who
are only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves.

Land Of The Pheromones
Planes flying till dawn’s early light
Spraying pheromones all through the night Read the rest of this article »

Brought to you by Anonymous or others who are only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves.

A pet store employee named Blair
Was missing a small patch of hair.
A tarantula crawled
To the spot that was bald
And nobody noticed it there!
—Tillmanator

Get off your butts and send in your limericks!

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.
She was frightened, it must be allowed.
Soon a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter:
She sat up in bed and meowed.
—Somebody, I Forget His Name Read the rest of this article »

Brought to you by Anonymous or others who
are only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves.

As a beauty, I’m not a great star.
There are others more handsome by far.
But my face, I don’t mind it,
Because I’m behind it.
‘Tis the folks in the front that I jar.
—Anthony Euwer Read the rest of this article »